The Bagel Miracle

Yesterday morning was one of "those" mornings. I'm so glad the Lord has taught me how to take it in stride, because now...it's pretty funny, I'm not gonna lie. The first event, which I'll forever be puzzled by, was the trash being picked up outside of my apartment. Apparently, it is picked up by a blazing space-shuttle which blows through the atmosphere and shakes my building. Outside my window. At 4:30 in the morning. Beautiful. So, I was startled awake (thinking maybe I needed to get some last minute things in before the rapture) and had a little trouble going back to sleep. 

Then, when my alarm went off two hours later, I ignored it and overslept. Woke up, twenty minutes before I was supposed to be sitting in my office chair checking voicemails, and made a wild run for it! 

And, since I hear my mother in the back of my head expressing the necessity of breakfast, I threw a bagel in the toaster and then ran to get dressed. Fifteen minutes later, sitting at my desk, I got really hungry. "Maaaaaan. I forgot my bagel. That stinks." Well, when I walked in the door at 5:30, I saw God's goodness right before my eyes. The bagel had never "popped" up in the toaster but, somehow, hadn't even burned (not to mention the apartment building was still in place and no one had to call the fire department). 

But, the real event of Monday was the fact that I have Monday evenings off. Which I really used to enjoy. But now, something has changed. And a night off, with no one in the house but me, is a challenge. The Lord has whispered to my heart and I have been compelled to find out:

- just how much of my life He can possibly fill? -

There's no cable TV in my house. No pets. No one to cook dinner for (unless I want to astonish myself with my culinary skills occasionally). Literally - me and Jesus. Alllllll night long. And these have become the sweetest evenings I could ever ask for. I see people enjoying marriages. Doting over beautiful babies. And sometimes, there's a tinge of sorrow in my heart. And a thought that I have to battle: "It wasn't supposed to be this way." 

But, maybe it was. As God draws me, invites me into His presence, part of what I know deep in my soul is that I would have never had this sweet time with Him if life had continued as "planned". This sort of rest area, along the highway, has provided for moments of romance between us and hours of conversation that I think I'll look back on with jealousy as some sticky-jam-handed toddler is pulling on my sweat pants. 

Today, as you talk to Jesus through these precious minutes and hours, thank Him for the moment you're living. Thank Him for the plan for this particular season. Whatever it is, it's full of purpose and meaning and His love. 

Soundtrak of My Life

If you got tagged for this note, you need to copy/paste this into your own blog, delete my answers, and answer the questions using your own iPod.

put your iPod on shuffle
use it to answer the question
hit “next”
don't cheat
tag some of your friends so they'll do the same

1. How am I feeling today? Agnus Dei - Judy Jacobs
2. How far will I get in life? Witness - Nicole C. Mullen
3. What is my best friend’s theme song? God's Romance - Delirious
4. What was high school like? Nobody Loves Me - Derek Webb
5. How will today be? Imagine Me - Kirk Franklin
6. What is in store for me this weekend? Ring, Little Bells - Veggie Tales
7. What is the best thing about me? Favor of The Lord - Israel and The New Breed
8. What song is about my parents? Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
9. How is my life going? Abstraction - Sara Groves
10. What song will they play at my funeral? I Know Who You Are - Ginny Owens
11. How does the world see me? My Glorious - Delirious
12. What do my friends think of me? The Chase - Pigeon John
13. Do people secretly think I’m good looking? Could've Been - Kirk Franklin
14. How can I make myself happy? Suga Mama - Beyonce
15. What should I do with my life? Wedding Dress - Derek Webb
16. What is some good advice? Someday My Prince Will Come - Churchill/Morley
17. Will I get married? Turn it Around - Israel and New Breed
18. Where will I go in life? You Got Me - Jason Chain
19. Will I have kids? Beautiful - Shawn McDonald
20. What is my current theme song? Don't Blink - Kenny Chesney

Headed "Home" - A Very Relative Term.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."

All day long. Awake, asleep - at work, at home. Today, it's really all I can think of. And not for myself. Today my heart is heavy watching those I love struggle, hurt and endure. And, where I would shield them all day if I could. And I would gather them into my arms, I realize my arms aren't long enough. My vision is not broad enough. My presence is not strong enough. I...am not God. I cannot "keep" those around me.

One of my friends said recently, "human love will always disappoint." And it finally hit home. No one's love is like God's. And though I have learned to look to Him for my love. My security. I trespass His sovereignty when I let others look to me for their safety. Or when I am foolishly proud enough to think I can be that love for someone. Keep them safe. It gives me a glimpse into the struggle parents have handing their kids lives to God. They want to care for them, take care of all theirs needs and make them happy. But they know in their hearts they cannot. And that beloved child must rest secure in God - the God who shields him all day long.

Kind of heavy - but it's what I'm thinking.

We're leaving today to drive to West Virginia! And I'm so excited to take a trip with my best friend. We need this time. But, driving into the past really feels like traveling back in time. And sometimes, going down that road (literally) is painful. I spent 17 years in West Virginia. And, honest to the Lord never really liked being there. I'm so glad God released me! But there's something about the place where you were raised that just gets deep into your soul. It's so bittersweet. Watching home videos in your mind and knowing that even the painful moments really have been used for your good. And that I emerged from the time spent there with treasures of friendship, family and identity that no one can mess with.

A couple years ago my Pastor spouted off a phrase that left an indellible impression me. Just in the middle of conversation, as she so often does (like one of those crazy preachers who actually live what they preach), she left me with a bit of wisdom that will serve me for a lifetime. "You can afford to be generous," she said to me as I left for one of my many college breaks. "God has been lavishly generous with you and you can afford to be generous."

I tuck that in my heart every time I head to Fairmont, WV. I can afford huge efforts and displays of generosity because I have received such ridiculously overwhelming love from God. Yep.

We can all afford it.

I'm Grateful.

"It's been a hard year; I'm climbing out of the rubble. These lessons were hard and healing changes were subtle." - Sara Groves.

I love that song, Less Like Scars. It's kind of the epitome of the last two years for me. I felt a definite shift in my spirit last month and I know the atmosphere around me has changed. The past two years have been full of opposition. They have been absolutely beautiful and invaluable. But very difficult - like walking in waist-deep water. And the shift to this new season is disorienting! Have you ever gotten off of a trampoline and tried to jump? Or out of a pool and feel you're still in water? Kind of like that. I have to keep remembering that God has changed this season; everything is not as it was.

But you know what - even through two difficult years, my heart has been overflowing with gratitude. For favor and friendship and a faithful and loving God. My precious friend got me a keepsake box last year. The top of it is inscribed with the verse, "There is a time for everything...a time to laugh, a time to grieve..." etc. But, embossed over the verse in big, bold, gold lettering is the word "LAUGH". Every time I look at that box I feel like my life has been encapsulated and all the affairs of it could be contained in that box. That just is me - life will go on, people will walk in and out, jobs will come and go, tears will run and doors will burst open and slam shut - but, in all of this, just laugh! Whenever I find the humor in something, I find a way to be thankful. I'm convinced humor is one of God's most precious commodities.

Pastor Clarence from Virginia Beach once said, "If you can't think of how to pray, just sit down and find ten things to thank God for." Let me tell you, this will get you praying! So...here's my big ten. The first that come to mind.

1. My family. What would life be - where would I be - without them? I'm especially thankful to have my grandmother with me for another holiday season.
2. A sense of purpose in my life. It's good to feel I have something to accomplish.
3. My education - formal and not. Wayne Cordeiro says there are two ways to learn: bruises and mentors. And, choosing the latter has made my life such a beautiful journey.
4. My job. I have the best job ever! Complete with plenty of opportunities to watch the hand of God move.
5. Friendships that far exceed expectations and dreams. My "lifers".
6. Troubles that have built my strength and faith.
7. Adopted parents - icing.
8. The opportunity to see miraculous provision.
9. LAUGHTER! Often and loud. And the people who encourage it - willfully or not.
10. Expectancy.

Things and other stuff

Riding in the car the other day, my friend asked, "Aren't you scared?"

She's centerstage, about two rows back, watching my life right now. And I laughed at the question. After a deep, very satisfying sigh, I responded, "What else? I mean, really. Why be afraid? What can happen?" Life is constant - not consistent, but constant. Good and bad. Ups and downs. And I have learned that my response should be relative to God's activity and presence in my life, not the events surrounding me. Whom (what) shall I fear?

There are always the unmentionable horrors of life to fear and agonize over: a natural disaster wiping out your most treasured memories or possessions, a terrorist attack threatening precious freedom, the loss of loved ones. And I am cautious. But I know that God tells me not to worry, for what will worry accomplish? And so I place these heart-issues in the hand of God. Only to very slyly snatch them back to "take care of them" myself? Do I think I'm doing God some sort of favor when I do that? No way! I'm doing myself a favor; giving myself all the control I can.

God's brought me to a deeper level that demands my hands be empty so that they can fully worship Him. I'm trying to scrub the adhesive from my palms that so easily picks up the details of my life and makes them mine again. I realize I don't have time. And, if I want to take no rest and give God no rest, I'll not have energy to grapple with the things of my life which I cannot control.

It's quite a comical juggling act to watch, making Cirque du Soleil look like child's play. But, more and more, God beckons me to look around my messy room and see what else I can clear out and make His possession. Let's see...

My Bubble

Well, it's been a while huh? Don't worry avid fragments readers...it is not you alone that I have neglected. It's not a selective process. People who know me even a little joke about my 'bubble' but it's a very real thing. I love my personal space. I like being lost in God by myself. Love the thoughts that are only mine. And I love to be alone. Don't get me wrong. I'm aware I need others and I value my beautiful friends more than I can express. But there's just something about closing myself in for a bit. Hence the lack of blogging. My thoughts and my journey right now is not something I'm prepared to share. With anyone yet. Is that wrong? I mean, I'm usually chatty Cathy about life. But right now...I'm just doing my thing. By myself. And waiting on the next step. I'm not sure why I'm so reluctant to be open, I really believe there are seasons where God does something so deeply in our lives that involving others is an interruption. That's how it feels. Like an ongoing A and B conversation with not a lot of room for others to be chiming in. So, there you go. I'm lost in my bubble for a while so I'm not sure the next time you'll hear from me. :) just remember that when God calls you deeper you really should go even if it means leaving everyone else behind a minute.

Oh, living the life.

There are many times in my life when I relish being single. Like any time that I lay down to take a nap and I think to myself, "Thank the Lord I don't have children right now; there won't be much of this napping when that happens." Or this morning, as I walked into my bathroom and chuckled because on the floor was a pair of high heels, my purse a pile of clothes and on the counter lay a towel and everything I had used to make my hair look as hot as it always does. :) Oh the life of a bachelorette. Isn't it beautiful? I leave when I want, come back when I feel like it, do whatever I want when I want. I'm sure marriage will be full of many more blessings than this, but I write it down simply so that everyone knows I will be fully aware of what I am relinquishing when I take someone's hand, one day :)

I had lunch with someone on Sunday who spent about ten years as a single woman in the ministry. Happily married now, she was so encouraging to me. I know there will be many things about ministry that get more complicated and complex with marriage. But to be single in ministry is something I'm not sure you can really understand unless you're there. There's this feeling that you're accomplishing a fifth of what you know is possible because you're missing a team member. And you know that the synergy that happens when two become one in ministry is unmatched in any sort of sports team or business group. But it's so beautiful to know that God has infused this moment with purpose. And the fifth of what I feel I'm accomplishing is dense and deep and not simply "done". It has such love and such pain behind it that no person can fully comprehend. And that fact creates an intimacy with Christ that surpasses closeness with any person(s). The God who sees me. Really sees me.

Our Pastor spoke Sunday about the fact that whatever we hold out is what is returned to us. If we hold out love it, generally, comes back as love. Hate as hate. Bitterness as bitterness. If we hold back relationship, it doesn't usually come running to us. And I have been deeply challenged in my heart to hold out love and to hold out relationship. The Bible tells us that, "he who wants a friend should show himself friendly." Though I have been very cautious. And I haven't held out relationship, true intimacy, for many people. I have recently come through a set of circumstances that showed me what I've been afraid of all this time. And yes, it hurts. Badly. And it brings up other things about my life and my past that I have glibbly slid by with until now. But, those same circumstances have served to leave me raw and open for God to work on some things I've been keeping Him from. And He's so faithful to make everything worth it. He really doesn't waste anything.

That's what's good.