Christmas and Feng-Shui

I've been in my fabulous little apartment for almost two years now. And, last Christmas, I opted out of buying a Christmas tree because I thought it might be a little sad. You know, a generic tree, decorated with store-bought ornaments, present-less...I just couldn't do it. But I was wrong. It's actually far more sad to have no tree at all!

So this year, I got super excited to get one and yesterday, when I heard Lowe's had some on sale, I got online to check out the deals. I spotted the perfect one - pre-lit, 6 1/2 feet. The best part? $38.00! I rushed in to Lowe's only to find out, no tree. They were sold out.

BUT! Not to worry, my fabulous Pastorette had accompanied me. She's far too classy to haggle. But she has her ways. (And I'm sure my pathetic, "I'll love you for the rest of my life, sir" face helped just a little.)

I walked out of Lowe's with a non-sale tree that was suddenly on sale for just the right price! (I'm not going to lie...I smiled like a dork all the way to my car. And possibly all the way back to work.)

With the excitement of my new tree, I just had to make space in my apartment for this 6 foot addition! I looked around at my bulky furniture, including a rather large armoire. "Well, I think I can handle it..." I shifted the couch/loveseat/oversized armchair half a dozen times, standing back after each move and putting my hands on my hips. "Nope."

And finally, "I have to move the armoire. I'm not taking everything out of it. Too much work." So I try pushing...arms extending. Pulling, leaning back as far as possible. Putting my shoulder into it. Leaning my back against it. Not even an inch. After my final effort, I slide onto the floor with a deep sigh. "Ok, one more try."

But this time, I use my most abundant resource ;) That's right, I single-buttedly moved my armoire five feet from one wall to the other! Then, I stood back and said..."Nope." Sighed heavily, and repeated the process back to the other wall. Finally finding the perfect feng-shui for my space. Oh the single life...

I came to work today only for the guys to tell me I can buy casters to place under my furniture that will let me slide it anywhere...

Wow.

broken-hearted hallelujahs

I'll never forget a sermon on communion that I heard while in school at Southeastern University. Pastor Sam Hemby taught on "What Jesus Always does with Bread" and it changed me. My way of thinking. Without fail, when Jesus took up bread, he "took it. blessed it. broke it. and gave it.". And Pastor Sam told us to be looking for this pattern in our lives. We, too, are taken, blessed, broken...and given.

I'm thankful that brokenness always has a purpose.

If not, this season would be so discouraging. But the seed of brokenness gives way to a harvest of giving. Any time we seem to be shattered, God is simply creating space to give of Himself through us. And I'm finding that my greatest offering to Him is my broken-hearted hallelujah. The song I sing to Him, blessing Him, just for loving me. That if my situation never changes. If my hopes never become reality. If what I used to see when I scanned the horizon doesn't reappear. He is my more-than-enough God. And what a gift it is to be taken, blessed...Broken...and given. What a privilege to have anything worth giving.

This morning as I listened to our missionary guest, my heart was stirring within me. I was so glad! Though missions giving is part of my life already, I've been really anticipating what project would catch my breath and compel me. I didn't expect this one. And I didn't expect it to be so personal...

Our guest was describing Mission of Mercy and the children (40,600 of them) that they care for. Their desperate situations - poverty, sickness, loneliness. Things that always cause us to wince and survey our lives with new grateful eyes. And I felt prompted, "I would love to sponsor one of these precious kids..."

Then, the speaker gave the typical, "for just 34$ a month...". And my heart sank. "Jesus, I don't have the money. I mean, I'm only meeting my current commitments by your supernatural provision."

"That's right," I felt His gentle response, "so what does another 34$ matter?" A grin spread across my face and I held in a hearty laugh. "You're right. Absolutely right, Lord."

And then - it got more personal.

See, hope is a tricky thing. And dreams, well, they're even more evasive. On the horizon of my life I used to look out and see family, my "one day" family. A relentlessly hilarious, and desperately aggravating, husband. Children who take my breath away daily. Us doing life. Together. But now, when I scan the horizon, I'm not so sure. Now, I see shadows which seem vague and undefined.

And, I evaluate the dream, "Jesus, is this really in your plan for my life? Or...my plan for my life?..."

I release the dream and fully embrace His plan for my "now". Knowing that, if this hope is part of His plan for me, it will be returned to me in perfect timing. I ponder...Maybe the times are too urgent. Maybe there is too much to be done for Him. Maybe the situation in our world is too desperate for my focus to be divided. Maybe time cannot afford for me to live out that part of life. Maybe, I will not be married. Maybe...I will not have children. I soak in His peace - what He has shall be.

And this morning, the Lord whispered to my heart, as compassionately as always, "You no longer need to wait. You are already a spiritual mother. Give care to those I have placed near you. I've given you the opportunity to mother some you may never even meet."

I am broken.

So I give. I worship. I serve. I sing broken-hearted hallelujahs that seem to please His ear even more than songs of triumphant praise. I whisper, "I love you" out of desperate moments of heartache. And smile widely because I feel His pleasure in my offerings. His great and overwhelming pleasure with my simple giving of just me.

Shailesh is my new kid. He's 10 years old and lives in India. (I was hoping he'd be from India - I secretly want to go there someday.) He and I, we both count on Jesus for daily bread. And I'm so grateful to be part of providing his.

He's the newest part of this hallelujah chorus God is writing in my life...

grace that guides us

So I'm sitting here at Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix. A little grumpy because it's 1:30 in the afternoon and I never went to sleep last night. It was my first, and possibly last, Black Friday experience (though we found some INCREDIBLE deals). I'm here two hours prior to my flight; we're a perpetually punctual family. And I've got plenty of time to collect my thoughts, do some people watching and catch up on some reading.

On the flip-side of this leisurely airport sitting session is a slight aggravation: I'm so ready for my bed. Just bump my flight up an hour and a half and get me home! It's a four and a half hour flight, the sooner it begins, the sooner the conclusion of awkward physical contact with strangers can end. Ew...

But, back to the point...I got a call from my mom just a few minutes ago. She said, "Good thing we came when we did. We just got back on I-10 and watched a major collision westbound. We'd have never gotten through that mess. We would have been in traffic for quite a while...or worse, part of the crash."

A reminder in my heart that God's timing is perfect. Even when I feel something is rushed upon me prematurely. Or when I'm waiting indefinitely for hopes, dreams or provisions to become reality. God's grace is always guiding. If I just take time to hear Him, His gentle leading, He will make my paths straight.

I'm especially thankful for that grace this Thanksgiving. This was my first visit home since Gramma went to be with Jesus. It was surreal. We enjoyed our time together. Mom and I cooking up the turkey-day feast and Dad bringing the day to completion with a nice fire outside. But there was a gaping hole. One of which none of us spoke really. But in brief silences, the howl of the wind made the vacancy known.

Our family is very different now, though we're working together to grow accustomed to our new "state". We just miss her. I sat in her room, in the chair that I sat beside her for what felt like an eternity. The same vantage point I had when she was in the bed beside me. But it didn't matter how long I sat there...the bed was empty. She has been lifted. Hallelujah...

Even in this, great comfort is found in my heart when I consider that God's perfect timing, and His ever-present grace, is guiding all of our lives.

Sorry for the unannounced hiatus - totally not intentional. This is the part where I should probably make some sort of commitment about how I'm going to write more. But, alas, I will forego said obligatory phraseology. I want to write more. I hope to write more. But there are some deeper, more personal hopes which must be attended too, as well.

Thanks for journeying with me...

today in a picture

Posting here has been an awkward venture for me in these past few weeks. I so deeply enjoy encouraging others; it really is a most cherished part of my life to give energy and love to the people around me! Sometimes, it even discourages me when I feel I can't encourage others (now if that isn't inner conflict tell me what is). And lately (like most things) this isn't coming easily. And I feel guilty (or, let's be honest, embarrassed) just saying how I really feel or what's really going on.

I dub today "Honest Thursday" for no other reason than it allows me to speak freely. I randomly ran across this picture on Twitter and sighed deeply because it seemed to represent so much of what I've been feeling lately...

I know. Very, very random. Very. But it said this to me:

Decisions are hard.

Sometimes what you "need" isn't available at the present time.

Options are too numerous and you wish Someone would just make the right choice for you.

You can hardly even tell what's there.

...and any other interpretation of this photo that may mean "overwhelmed".

Well, not too encouraging, huh? But candid, nonetheless.

Tomorrow is Friday. Which is my "Saturday". And I look forward to some time with Jesus that I've missed during the chaos of the week. And the encouragement that comes to my soul and then out of my soul from those times.

Confessions of a Brat

I've never been an optimist. Nope. Never. Silver lining has never been my style. My style's always varied between, "That's a huge cloud. That makes me sad. Can I go to bed now?" And, "That's a huge cloud. Let's put some structures in place to deal with the rain it will bring. I'm pretty sure a few good things could come out of the rain, too. Maybe. Possibly." (The latter seems to be my more frequent m.o.

I would like to submit that, along with the labels of "optimist," "pessimist," and "realist," we begin using the term, "pragmatist." - a practical person interested in the outcome of situations. Just for me of course. "That's egocentric," you might say? Yes. It is. But the world would be a better place if everyone just understood me a little more. Eh? Jusssst kidding.

In saying this, however, those of us with a bit more melancholy personalities have to take much initiative to find the "good" in our lives. Being thankful. Celebrating life. Finding things that make us smile. I'm not going to lie: that's been hard work for me lately. And in the past couple of weeks (no excuses), I wanted to quit searching for good things. I've even gotten a bit sarcastic with God. "Yes, let me find my miner's cap and start my search for something good in the middle of my life." (I'm working well with my new baldness after being struck by lightening.)

I can't allow myself the luxury of bratty ingratitude. It just doesn't work out for anyone, no matter the season of life or the difficulty at hand. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart and be thankful," Paul says. And I'm working diligently on this. Again.

So! Today I bring you another "happy list". I love lists in general - but especially when they're full of wonderful things about of life! Here you have it:

1. Humor. I've always felt that if I can laugh I can make it through anything.

2. Leigh Jarvis. The people who've been with you the longest and know you the best and yet, somehow, still have good thoughts about you.

3. Writing. I always know that, no matter what happens, I can write about it. And that brings comfort.

4. My Mom. She makes our lives possible. True story.

5. My job. I have the privilege of working in an amazing place, with phenomenal people who want to do incredible things in our world.

6. Susan Isaacs. And other writers who capture life with words so very well. They make me feel much less alone.

7. My new calendar for 2010. Just love it. And can't wait to be using it more frequently.

8. Worship.

9. Good coffee. Mmm.

10. Our young adults at this church, Harbour. They keep me "real".

11. My incredible friends. Great listeners, encouragers, givers of hugs and people who propel me to my personal best.

12. Celebrating my fabulous friends' soon-coming baby boy. (And occasionally talking into her belly button so he knows me before he gets here!) Joy is a friend for life.

13. Singing. I'm not exceptionally good at it. But it's way fun in my car.

14. Heritage. My great-grandmother was saved at Azusa Street and could pray the house down.

15. Florida Winters. Reaping the benefits of summer and not having to uncover, de-ice and warm up my car before I go anywhere.

16. My new laptop. I'm a proud macbook owner. It makes me feel cooler than I am.

17. Cardigans.

18. Turquoise.

19. My grandmother's handed-down Bible and jewelry.

and 20. My little apartment.

(and there's so, so, sooo much more.)