And the Bride...ate ice cream

I have struggled with my weight my whole, livelong, entire life. It's been a daily difficulty - striving to make good choices, falling off the wagon, starting over. Though my weight hasn't fluctuated greatly, my dress size has always been a great matter of stress and anxiety for me.

When I started to think I may be getting married, my initial thought was, "I've got to go on a diet! I want to lose at least ___ pounds before a wedding!!!" And I thought back to every friend I've stood beside as they've starved, sweated and strained to reach their "wedding weight". My next thought was, "Do I want to be a skinny bride, or a happy bride?"

Though those two things don't need to be mutually exclusive, I felt that if I pinned all my desire for weight loss on my wedding, the overall wedding happiness and bridal bliss might suffer. Weight loss for me is a longterm goal and a life-altering experience. It's not a superficial, how-do-I-look, sort of a thing.

One of my favorite parts of planning my wedding is that I've been able to do much of it with one of my "fristers" (friend/sister). Meagan and I quickly realized that we had the same ideology about the bridal weight loss campaign.

One afternoon, as we ran some errands for Meagan's wedding, we decided we needed a frosty from Wendy's to keep our motivation flowing. As we drove away, jr frosties in hand, Pastor Mom quipped, "Girls! We've got weddings coming up. This will be our last frosty for quite some time!"

Meagan and I glanced at each other, shrugged, and scraped the bottom of our cups for the last bit of ice cream. You could tell our sentiment was, "Maybe the last frosty for you!".

With so many things to worry about in planning a wedding (and a move at the same time!), becoming my goal weight in the bat of an eye just can't fit on my plate (pun completely intended). That will come, in time.

For now, I will revel in the fact that I will be the most beautiful, size *cough cough* bride you have EVER SEEN!

I have lists of to-do's and to-call and to-pay strewn all over my house. Along with the clean laundry I haven't had a moment to fold. My fridge is wondering if it will ever see food again as a half-eaten watermelon and a bottle of water stare out at me. And my purse looks like I've been collecting trash from the side of the road in it. But - one step at a time, it's all getting done!

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement. I got an extra special FB message last week from someone who planned their wedding in a similar predicament - no mom, moh or fiance in the tri-county area! Thank you for your kind words.

And now, it's off to a day of wedding work!

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This has been such an emotional time, and today is no exception. Today marks one year since the loss of my Grandmother. I miss her especially now, as this important day approaches. I can't believe she didn't get to meet Webb (or should I say, he didn't get to meet her?). But I am comforted today by God's loving hand. He knows...

(the message and picture above are from Rep. Gabby Giffords)

we miss your smile.

A Time for Rejoicing

There are just under forty days until our wedding. Those words make me grin every time, without fail. "Our wedding". Unbelievable.

I am still in awe every, single day of the man Jesus has brought into my life. If you and I could have a cup of coffee together, I would share with you in great detail the miracle that God has done. For now, let me just tell you a little!

In my life, I have made three different prayer lists as I sought the heart of God about my husband. I made at list at 16 years old, one at 21 years old and one at 26 years old. Then, I “shelved” them. Looked at them maybe once a year and, generally, forgot what I put on them! I itemized the last list I made into two parts: “must-haves” and “icing”.

Of all these lists, and the dozens of traits, qualities, giftings and experiences on them, my soon-to-be-husband (and his family) is nearly exactly what I prayed! In fact, there are only three little details that aren't precisely who he is. And…they just happen to be “icing” items. God has done exceedingly, abundantly more than I could have asked or imagined.

Yes, way more. In all of that listing, there were a few things I didn't know I needed. And somehow…He knew. And brought even those to me in the form of a man who loves me passionately and unconditionally. He does all things well.

I have a picture frame on my wall given to me by our incredible Young Adults group. It’s inscribed, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein.

The pressure of this time is quite challenging. And there is great temptation to stop my celebrating, look away from the miracle God has done and focus on the task at hand and all the impossibilities therein.

The “reality”?: We just made a bittersweet announcement to our church this morning - Webb and I will be making our home in North Carolina as we begin our life together. And, though we both know we've heard God's heart about our move, I have only three Sundays left at the most special place of my life thus far. This means that, in less than 40 days, I will plan a wedding, organize a move, try to finish (with excellence) a job I have always felt deserved far more than I am capable of, and try to give all the time and attention I possibly can to loved ones here who I will miss so dearly.

And, as the Lord would see it fit, my family (including my Mom who is the most efficient planner I know) lives in Arizona. My fiancé is 700 miles away. And my “sister” and maid-of-honor just moved to Chicago.

You can imagine that there is great opportunity for joy-stealing! Pressure, stress and anxiety can be the devil’s playground.

But the truth? “The joy of the Lord is my strength”! And that truth is far greater than any “reality”. Joy, true and deep abiding joy, is not only a gift from God…it is a choice. I stretch out my hands to receive joy and with it comes the strength I need to walk today. It’s a cruel trick the enemy plays – if he can take our joy, he truly can sap our strength.

This is why Paul says, “Rejoice! Again I say, REJOICE!” Not just because it’s so vital that we’re happy. But because when we rejoice, a seismic shift happens in our spiritual atmosphere. God gets full credit for the miracle He has done, our hearts absorb the truth of Hs goodness at the deepest level, and the enemy’s tactics are shot. All because we chose joy.

So…the moving boxes might not be inventoried just how I’d like. And the wedding reception might be missing a few things. And there may be loose ends beyond my grasp in my job.

But you know what I'll do instead of worry? Rejoice. Deeply and with abandon.

Because the truth is…the deepest dream of my heart has come to pass. And to stay – forever. And the miracle of the moment deserves my full attention.

Part 3 (and a little 4)

The questions turned as quickly as the tires on the interstate. We decided a meeting location where he would pick me up and my friends would drive on. I can’t lie; I wanted to drive on with them. It was an overwhelming moment. But we drove up and parked beside his truck, and I took a deep breath...

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When we pulled up beside Webb's truck, I was totally overwhelmed. He got out and came around to help with my bags and as I stood up, I almost passed out! No joke. The situation was like, four-fold nervousness. 1.) I was seeing Webb. 2.) I was meeting his family (and we didn't even know if we were going to seriously date). 3.) I was preaching for their ladies retreat the next morning. 4.) I was going to stay the night with all of these ladies (none of whom had I met before). The result? Almost passing out.

Webb was so good to me; instead of rushing straight to the retreat, he took me to dinner to give me a moment between driving 12 hours and meeting dozens of new people. I made note of his consideration; he seemed to do that well in every way (opening doors, paying for dinner, inquiring of what I wanted/needed at any given moment). I now have a wonderful, soon-to-be, mom-in-law to thank for such habits! We had fun at dinner and, way too soon, it was time to go. He dropped me off at the retreat with some fabulous ladies and in the care of his wonderful mom and sister, and we said goodnight.

The next day, Saturday, he picked me up at the conclusion of the retreat. We ate lunch together and, afterwards, he opened up a serious conversation. (The passing out feeling returned). We were driving along and I felt lightheaded as he talked. I can't remember most of what he said, though I'm sure it was super eloquent and important. I just remember the conclusion:

"What do you think about making this official?"

...silence...

"Not exactly the answer I was anticipating. But, uhm...yeah...take your time."

"Have you really thought about this? I mean really thought about it? How will we date from 700 miles? And what will we do if we decide to move forward from dating? And how will we even be sure we know each other? And what if...and what about...and...and...???"

He quietly and patiently drove in circles while I (no easy way to put this) flipped out.

"Amanda. Why do you think it's taken me so long to ask you this question? Yes. I have thought about all of this."

"And you're ok with it? You're not freaked out?! I mean seriously...this is nuts!"

"I've just come to the conclusion that it will all work out if God intends it to."

...silence...

The passing out feeling got more intense. I looped my arm through his, with huge eyes, and asked, "Is this ok even though I don't know how to answer you right now?"

He smiled, "Yes. Take your time. You don't have to answer now, this weekend, or even a week from now."

My heart unclinched. I had an answer about him. But, everything else? I had no idea about anything else. And just because you might fall in love with someone doesn't mean everything else will just work out. Only in movies, right? Should I make a heart decision or a head decision? Why can't this just be simple?

It was time for dinner with his family. I'll never forget how much, and how hard, we laughed through that whole dinner. I had a headache by the end! It felt so much like home. And yet, I still had no answer.

Sunday passed. I tried to work up the nerve to answer him Sunday night - but it came across more as a "maybe" than a "yes I want to date you with all my whole heart". Monday, we met our friends Meagan and Nathan in Manteo (about an hour away). On the way, we shared our whole stories. All of our hearts. We cried. We laughed. And then we had a blast hanging out with good friends.

On the way back, I finally had my answer. "I think I'd like to date you..." (I meant, I think I'd like to be with you for a very, very long time. But "eh, you're alright I guess" is what came out.)

"Yes? Is that a yes?" he made certain.

"That's a yes. Yes."

"Really?! Ok. Yes. Let's do this..."

Texting, turned into phone calls, which turned into Skyping, which turned into visits which, three months later, became...

So...I guess we may need a part four now! There are so many pages to this love story, the biggest blessing in my life so far and the most specifically and perfectly answered prayer.

Thank you for letting me share it with you.