A Very "Fragmented" Update

Five and a half months.

That’s how long it’s been since we’ve “talked”. It’s also the length of time since I’ve had my hair cut or colored (gasp). I never had ANY intentions of ceasing to blog. In fact, I have missed it desperately! I also never had intentions of going on my first ever date, falling in love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, resigning my job, getting married, moving and beginning a new job in a new place with new people in SIX MONTHS! So please forgive the unintentional hiatus. I love this blog (and our connection through it) nearly as much as my husband’s truck. And I could make many excuses for my absence: I have no computer, we don’t have internet at home, being a new teacher sucked in my time like a vacuous monster...etc.

Honestly? My heart has been too raw and full of emotion and the chaos of change for me to pen anything that left the comfortable, safe pages of my journal. Not only that, but the immensity and breadth of what I’d love to share with you overwhelms me the moment I sit to share it. Should we talk about getting married after seven years of single adulthood? Maybe being newlyweds in the ministry? Perhaps transition: how to finish well and walk boldly into newness. In time I hope to share ALL these things! However,

a few things I have learned for certain....

Things like: life has no room for perfectionism. I could not finish my job perfectly, become perfect before I walked down the aisle, plan the perfect wedding, be a perfect teacher on my first day, and I'm certainly far from a perfect (or Proverbs 31) wife. (Did that woman lose consciousness at the age of 29? I have no idea how she did what she did. I wish she wouldn't have at times; she feels like that big sister and I hear a consistent nagging from my own soul, "why can't you be more like...?".)

The core of all life is generosity and selflessness. If I live each day wondering how much I can give, I never have to think about what I'll get. And what comes back is far more than I could have "gotten".

A lot of change is big, not bad. My husband coined this little phrase to help me through the past few months. "Big, not bad, Amanda. It's a huge mountain to climb. But I'm with you." All the little changes amount to one, large, earth-moving, heart-wrenching, seismic shift. And he has understood that so well. He's been patient while I've cried, mourned even, because so many things will never be the same. BIG, big things. And very small, seemingly insignificant things. It's be a few weeks since a good cry, so two were in order today. One when I saw some girls shopping together on a TV show. As they "ooo!"ed and "nice!"ed one girl's outfit, tears welled up in my eyes. I miss my girls. Then, listening to Pandora as I type this, a Publix ad ran. My settings still say "33884" and, I have to be honest, I can't bring myself to change it yet! I miss Publix; I don't like Food Lion. So much change at once is disorienting. Single to married. Pastor to pastor's wife. Administrator to teacher. Warm to cold. But every one of these is big, not bad. And I've learned to embrace my new role(s). Blessed are the flexible, right?

India Arie has a song called "I Am Not My Hair". It's been six months since my hair was cut. Eight since it was colored. Five since I had my nails done. Six months since I browsed through Macy's. I've had a major wardrobe shift for work. I used to wear jeans to work every day. Now, I wear dress slacks five days a week for work and three times a week to church. I have two pairs of dress pants. One. Two. Talk about a limited wardrobe for a girl who enjoys fashion. BUT. I am not my hair...or my clothes...or my nails...and, I've been forced to rediscover my true identity and be at peace with myself all over again. Big, not bad.

Maintenance must be done. Laundry. Papers to grade. House to clean. Family and friends to keep up with. Date nights. Grocery shopping. Church events. PTO meetings. Bills to check on. Errands to run. If I do a little of every, single thing every, single day, nothing has the opportunity to smother me. My husband has taught me this well. He seldom spends "unproductive" time. TV shows are opportunities to sort mail. The last ten minutes before sleep is a moment to catch up on reading material. A spare moment at the office is time to collect sermon thoughts for the next one. He's good at using time. And he challenges me. So, today after work we picked up needed items at Wal Mart, ate dinner, worked out, *blogged (while he writes a sermon for tomorrow morning), and then we'll do a little reading together. Maintenance makes life much more bearable. As one of my professors told me, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

And there's no fire anywhere. Yes, we've been married for more than two weeks. And both of my sisters-in-law just had babies. Wonderful, cuter-than-anybody-else-not-related-to-us babies. BUT! Webb and I are still trying to decide if we'll buy two loaves of bread for the rest of our lives, one white and one wheat. (Though we've settled the milk issue...2% it is.) And we're aware there's only so long that you get to be a tiny, tiny bit selfish. So, we plan to wait a while. Unless Jesus interrupts those plans! Which we would happily embrace (while we also 'embraced the grace' needed for that moment. Yikes!).

Most of all, God is faithful and you can trust Him. Things change. God does not. He doesn't lie. He doesn't change His mind. And through every season, He's my constant. I may not feel like myself at times: I'm not doing what I use to, I'm not dressing like I did, I'm not with who I was. Nearly everything has changed. But the same song I sang to Him six months ago still resonates in my spirit. The same scriptures that enveloped me with comfort scroll through my heart. He is forever.

More to come...I wish I could say when! But I can say, it won't be five months!