grace that guides us

So I'm sitting here at Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix. A little grumpy because it's 1:30 in the afternoon and I never went to sleep last night. It was my first, and possibly last, Black Friday experience (though we found some INCREDIBLE deals). I'm here two hours prior to my flight; we're a perpetually punctual family. And I've got plenty of time to collect my thoughts, do some people watching and catch up on some reading.

On the flip-side of this leisurely airport sitting session is a slight aggravation: I'm so ready for my bed. Just bump my flight up an hour and a half and get me home! It's a four and a half hour flight, the sooner it begins, the sooner the conclusion of awkward physical contact with strangers can end. Ew...

But, back to the point...I got a call from my mom just a few minutes ago. She said, "Good thing we came when we did. We just got back on I-10 and watched a major collision westbound. We'd have never gotten through that mess. We would have been in traffic for quite a while...or worse, part of the crash."

A reminder in my heart that God's timing is perfect. Even when I feel something is rushed upon me prematurely. Or when I'm waiting indefinitely for hopes, dreams or provisions to become reality. God's grace is always guiding. If I just take time to hear Him, His gentle leading, He will make my paths straight.

I'm especially thankful for that grace this Thanksgiving. This was my first visit home since Gramma went to be with Jesus. It was surreal. We enjoyed our time together. Mom and I cooking up the turkey-day feast and Dad bringing the day to completion with a nice fire outside. But there was a gaping hole. One of which none of us spoke really. But in brief silences, the howl of the wind made the vacancy known.

Our family is very different now, though we're working together to grow accustomed to our new "state". We just miss her. I sat in her room, in the chair that I sat beside her for what felt like an eternity. The same vantage point I had when she was in the bed beside me. But it didn't matter how long I sat there...the bed was empty. She has been lifted. Hallelujah...

Even in this, great comfort is found in my heart when I consider that God's perfect timing, and His ever-present grace, is guiding all of our lives.

Sorry for the unannounced hiatus - totally not intentional. This is the part where I should probably make some sort of commitment about how I'm going to write more. But, alas, I will forego said obligatory phraseology. I want to write more. I hope to write more. But there are some deeper, more personal hopes which must be attended too, as well.

Thanks for journeying with me...

today in a picture

Posting here has been an awkward venture for me in these past few weeks. I so deeply enjoy encouraging others; it really is a most cherished part of my life to give energy and love to the people around me! Sometimes, it even discourages me when I feel I can't encourage others (now if that isn't inner conflict tell me what is). And lately (like most things) this isn't coming easily. And I feel guilty (or, let's be honest, embarrassed) just saying how I really feel or what's really going on.

I dub today "Honest Thursday" for no other reason than it allows me to speak freely. I randomly ran across this picture on Twitter and sighed deeply because it seemed to represent so much of what I've been feeling lately...

I know. Very, very random. Very. But it said this to me:

Decisions are hard.

Sometimes what you "need" isn't available at the present time.

Options are too numerous and you wish Someone would just make the right choice for you.

You can hardly even tell what's there.

...and any other interpretation of this photo that may mean "overwhelmed".

Well, not too encouraging, huh? But candid, nonetheless.

Tomorrow is Friday. Which is my "Saturday". And I look forward to some time with Jesus that I've missed during the chaos of the week. And the encouragement that comes to my soul and then out of my soul from those times.

Confessions of a Brat

I've never been an optimist. Nope. Never. Silver lining has never been my style. My style's always varied between, "That's a huge cloud. That makes me sad. Can I go to bed now?" And, "That's a huge cloud. Let's put some structures in place to deal with the rain it will bring. I'm pretty sure a few good things could come out of the rain, too. Maybe. Possibly." (The latter seems to be my more frequent m.o.

I would like to submit that, along with the labels of "optimist," "pessimist," and "realist," we begin using the term, "pragmatist." - a practical person interested in the outcome of situations. Just for me of course. "That's egocentric," you might say? Yes. It is. But the world would be a better place if everyone just understood me a little more. Eh? Jusssst kidding.

In saying this, however, those of us with a bit more melancholy personalities have to take much initiative to find the "good" in our lives. Being thankful. Celebrating life. Finding things that make us smile. I'm not going to lie: that's been hard work for me lately. And in the past couple of weeks (no excuses), I wanted to quit searching for good things. I've even gotten a bit sarcastic with God. "Yes, let me find my miner's cap and start my search for something good in the middle of my life." (I'm working well with my new baldness after being struck by lightening.)

I can't allow myself the luxury of bratty ingratitude. It just doesn't work out for anyone, no matter the season of life or the difficulty at hand. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart and be thankful," Paul says. And I'm working diligently on this. Again.

So! Today I bring you another "happy list". I love lists in general - but especially when they're full of wonderful things about of life! Here you have it:

1. Humor. I've always felt that if I can laugh I can make it through anything.

2. Leigh Jarvis. The people who've been with you the longest and know you the best and yet, somehow, still have good thoughts about you.

3. Writing. I always know that, no matter what happens, I can write about it. And that brings comfort.

4. My Mom. She makes our lives possible. True story.

5. My job. I have the privilege of working in an amazing place, with phenomenal people who want to do incredible things in our world.

6. Susan Isaacs. And other writers who capture life with words so very well. They make me feel much less alone.

7. My new calendar for 2010. Just love it. And can't wait to be using it more frequently.

8. Worship.

9. Good coffee. Mmm.

10. Our young adults at this church, Harbour. They keep me "real".

11. My incredible friends. Great listeners, encouragers, givers of hugs and people who propel me to my personal best.

12. Celebrating my fabulous friends' soon-coming baby boy. (And occasionally talking into her belly button so he knows me before he gets here!) Joy is a friend for life.

13. Singing. I'm not exceptionally good at it. But it's way fun in my car.

14. Heritage. My great-grandmother was saved at Azusa Street and could pray the house down.

15. Florida Winters. Reaping the benefits of summer and not having to uncover, de-ice and warm up my car before I go anywhere.

16. My new laptop. I'm a proud macbook owner. It makes me feel cooler than I am.

17. Cardigans.

18. Turquoise.

19. My grandmother's handed-down Bible and jewelry.

and 20. My little apartment.

(and there's so, so, sooo much more.)

Everyday Miracles.

Is that an oxymoron? I'm not so sure. These are the kind of miracles that are easy to overlook, but impossible to live without. And with life as it has been lately, they're the kind of miracles I've been desperately needing.

You know - you find a few dollars in your pocket totally unexpectedly, you run into an old friend you've been thinking about a lot, someone says a few words to you that you've been dying to hear. Those kind of miracles.

I have a ginormous picture frame on my wall and inscribed on it is a quote from Albert Einstein: "There are two ways of living. One, as if nothing is a miracle. And the other, as if everything is a miracle." The past few weeks have been so difficult. Without any explanation really; no major events of any sort. But just as if every day was harder than the one before. Like walking in waist-deep water. And by this week, I found myself saying, "Jesus, I just need something good. I can keep going. But I just need something good."

Friday didn't bring any of those "good" things to sight, really. It was my first genuine, for real, no doubt about it day off in quite some time. But it was also the three month mark of losing my grandmother. So, exhausted from the two weeks prior and my heart heavy with grief, I spent most of the day in my apartment, migrating between my room and my living room with tissue box in tow.

Saturday morning, I got up. Made myself get dressed for the day, though I was pretty sure it wouldn't hold anything fabulous. (Sidenote: when you ask Jesus for something good, keep your eyes open!) I knew my friends had other engagements and I was missing my family. I didn't have money to really go anywhere. So, I got up and got ready in faith: "I will find something good today."

As I finished my makeup, I got a text from a friend. "I have a buy-one-get-one coupon for smoothies! Wanna go!?" "Sure :) When?" "Now, lol" "Perfect! lol" And so I met her for our smoothie date which ended up being a double blessing - a smoothie and a counseling session. She gave me time to express the real things weighing on my heart without worry of what she would think or what time constraints we had or anything else. Everyday miracle.

Just as we finished our fabulous smoothies, other friends called, "Want to meet us for lunch?" I said, "sure," planning to go along but just get a soda or something (the two cans of tomato soup sitting in my cupboard were calling my name). When we got there, my friend informed me that she would be paying for my lunch. "And no ordering water, either." Everyday miracle.

I was overwhelmed. As we left lunch, the girls decided they wanted to do a little shopping. So I rode along. The afternoon went on and, when everyone got hungry again (apparently food is a big theme for us), ANOTHER friend decided to buy my dinner! At this point, I didn't know what to say. God had taken me from the pit and given me more than a dozen reasons to smile the next day.

Enter Sunday. I love my church. So getting to worship together with these great people makes for a wonderful day all in itself. As we got ready for service, my car sat in the front parking lot where it had been parked the day before. (Our staff always parks in the back.) "Hey can I use your car to go get some coffee and then I'll park it out back," a friend asked. " "Sure, yeah, thanks." She grabbed my keys and re-parked my car, for which I was very grateful.

After service, I left for lunch with yet another friend. I knew my gas tank was empty; I looked down to see if the light was on yet (I didn't want my friend to have to walk back from lunch with me!). I glanced down and my breath caught, "What? This thing was empty...what...!?" Then I remembered who had "re-parked" my car - with significantly more gas. Everyday miracle.

THEN! We pulled into the restaurant and parked and my lunch date notified me, "I'm paying for this. Don't argue." She took me to a fabulous lunch to celebrate Pastor Appreciation this month. And blessed me with a wonderful card that expressed her heart so very well. Everyday miracle.

A Sara Groves' song says,
"It's the everyday miracles that keep my hope alive. It's the way
You move in little things that helps me survive."

So, there may be some big-ticket items in life that overwhelm me from time to time. God's faithfulness in the day-to-day brings me hope and faith for the desperate things. This is why my favorite name for Him is "the God who sees me".

He sees you, too...Believe it...

Drive-by

This is me. Stopping by my own blog to say, "yes": I am alive. I still like to write on this blog. And I will write a REAL post soon!

The thing is, in ministry you spend too much time waiting for a "break" - like a real weekend or day off, something like that. And, much like the rest of life, you just have to stop waiting and apprehend the moment sometimes. In fact as I update this, I am typing at a ferocious pace because in about 45 minutes, neighborhood kids will be tapping on our glass doors waiting for us to let them in for Kidz Club (an outreach our young adults launched to show some love to the families who live around our church).

Never a dull moment. And I love that fact. But I also love this place; it's serene and honest and encouraging. So I shall return! By Monday at the very latest...(throws car into drive and stomps on the gas pedal)...see you then!

Making Room

As I write this, the clock just turned from 12:59 to 1:00 am. Sleep is evading me tonight. My overactive and generally restless mind just won’t stop. Many of us have brains like this and they function a bit like toddlers: it’s best to keep them occupied with sensible things or they will inevitably bring unimaginable destruction and havoc.

Tonight, my mind is occupied with surveying the horizon for what God is doing. What is He doing in the world? In the Church? In our church? In me…?

There is one element that I know for certain: He is calling His people to a new level of depth and spiritual reality. Nearly every person I know who is “out on the edge” of the move of God is (and has been) sensing this. It has happened in waves all throughout history and I firmly believe we are standing at the surging of the next wave. God is cranking open the spirits of those who make Him their first priority. He is making room for more faith, more expectation, more growth…more sacrifice. And the Church as a whole is growing discontent (a very good thing). We are crying out for “more”.

Today, though, I realized something very important through a very practical situation…

My apartment is 600 square feet. It’s small. But it’s all I need. It’s just me here. (And the occasional group of 15 or so young adults huddled in my living room.) But, when I returned from Arizona after my grandmother passed away, I moved my TV from the living room to my bedroom because I was having trouble sleeping. I needed some “white noise” to drown out my thoughts long enough for me to nod off.

However, somehow, the rest of my activities followed and my bedroom became the “hub” of my house. The chair in my room was now my prayer chair, dinner table, phone booth and the seat of honor for my guests. And in the last two and half months, my apartment went from 600 to 100 square feet.

For the first time in 18 months, my apartment felt small. And I didn’t know why! I didn’t realize I was living in my bedroom! These past two weeks, I started asking the Lord when I would be able to move into a house. I even browsed local “For Sale” homes! I had no idea why the sudden urge to have “more”. Until today, when I became so convicted about not using all the space I have.

And then, the spiritual correlation hit home. I’ve been asking, “God, enlarge my territory.” “God, use me more!” “God show me more of You!” “God, give me more to give away!” “God…” “God…” “God…”

But, am I really using all the space I have? All the resources I have? Walking in the knowledge I already have of Him? Using all the gifts I have? To the fullest?...Or have I become so familiar with all of those (and so tired of using things like “patience” or “long-suffering” or “sacrificial love”) that I want something new for novelty sake?

God’s not interested in my amusement. He’s interested in my faithfulness and obedience. He’s watching to see what I do with what I’m given. And, to be honest, at times I can be enough of a selfish brat to behave as if I have “nothing”.

I once saw a documentary on lottery winners. Did you know that the vast majority of these people suffer immense devastation in their lives after the big win? Divorce, drug addiction, financial ruin, death. Because they didn’t know how to manage “little” before “much” was dumped into their lives.

As I stand at the edge of what God is doing, I pray that I am found faithful with “little”. I want to be a workman trusted and approved, handling even the “smallest” things with great care and integrity. Making use of every resource He gives me.

He will enlarge our territory. He will bring more. For His beloved people, He always has. He has given His Word to those who rejected it. Extended His love to those who mocked Him. Provided richly for those who squandered. The “more” of Him will come. I must get busy with the “now” before this moment has passed…

“Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people). Making the most of the time [buying up every opportunity], because the days are evil. Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is.” Eph. 5:15-17 AMP

dreaming today.

My friend Paige, phenomenal photographer, writer, musician, and pretty much anything-else-er, inspired me today with a Facebook status. She just said, "If you could do anything today, what would you do?"

It was like striking a match on the "dream" side of my brain. Of course, being the realist that I am, I started with "sit at a quiet beach and read a great book". But then, I realized. She said, "anything"...

And the wheels of my brain started turning, "Hmm. OH! I'd embark on my own Eat, Pray, Love trip! I've been rolling over ideas of where I'd go if I got the chance! See, in Liz Gilbert's book, she spends three months in three different places. Three months eating in Italy. Three months praying in India. Three months loving in Bali. All the while, writing. Observing. Participating. Musing. And writing. My immediate thought, "I want to do that!"

So, today, if I had the chance, I'd embark on my own nine month journey: "Eat" in France, "Pray" in Israel, "Love" in Ghana. Julia Child learned to cook and really eat in France, so why not! Israel holds wealth for my faith that I can't wait to see with my own eyes (and I will one day!). And for some reason, Ghana just draws me. As I've heard stories about the people there, I have always wanted to meet them. So, pull my passport out of the drawer and stuff the suitcase!

What do you have to do in life to make that happen!? A full nine months of exploring and enjoying! Well, if you're Liz Gilbert, you get a hefty advance on a surefire NY Times bestseller and take off! For the rest of us, a couple decades of planning and saving are probably in order. "POP! Hiss...." (That was the sound of the dream balloon bursting just above my curly, brunette head.)

Polk County will have to do for now. Come to think of it, I think our church may have ALL of these three elements rather fully covered...