precious promises

We're nearing the close of two weeks of evening church services. As a Pastor's wife, I have to remind myself pretty consistently that God has something for me in worship services. I think everyone does. Whether you're the powerpoint guy, the bulletin doer, the greeter, kid's church worker, coffee maker, bathroom checker, singer, or pastor, sometimes we get lost in the duty of "church" and forget we have the opportunity to be the church together in those moments and get lost in what we've got to get done. Stay in the moment. God is after YOU! Not just the people you're serving.

He had plans for me to hear from Him in last night's service.

On our way, my heart was in a desperate state. Questions were rolling and discouragement was settling in to its well-accustomed nook. I sat in the passenger's seat, very quiet. Asking Jesus, "Lord, when? When will  You do something about this? And that? I've done all I can. We're counting on you. And, now, we're at the edge of the cliff on this one. We're desperate."

The word that came through the minister reached into my soul and uprooted fear, disappointment, selfish pride, and laziness. It held those before me and begged the question, "What can I do, Amanda? What more can I do if you will not continue to believe...even in the dark? What more can I do with your little faith?"

It was a soul appointment. A confrontation I'd been avoiding for as long as possible.

I so badly want to do something consequential for Him. And I see what I do as so small compared to what could be done if these shackles were gone. The shackles I so badly need Him to remove.

I heard a promise from Him about the shackles. Years ago. I read some scriptures that confirmed it. I memorized them. And then I kept walking. And the dust and mess of life covered the Words. And I haven't made an effort to unearth them and pound them back into my spirit.

Have I done all I can? I did some things I could. But what have I been doing? Instead of waiting and watching, I can be persistent. I can be on the offensive. I can...

Believe Him. 

Rehearse His Words to me. 

And keep believing Him. 

Maybe you're there today. You've given up on that promise. You're thinking, "If He's going to do it, He'll have to do it." "I don't know what else to do." Or even, "Forget it. It's never going to happen. I'll just get used to the way things are because they're not changing."

They'll never be healed...
That job will never come...
We'll never get it paid off...
He'll never understand me...

Believe Him. 

Rehearse His Words to you. 

And keep believing Him. 

You won't regret it. He promises. 

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these, He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. (2 Peter 1:3-4)

Safe Place

Today, I just want to sit and daydream. Get lost in things that are beautiful, places I've never seen, music, coffee, and pretty pictures. Hope it all will flood through me and lift my soul. Walk through a city park. Laugh with a good friend. Linger in an enthralling worship service where I'm anonymous. Get a pedicure and read a magazine. Sit on my couch with hot tea and gaze out the window. Do something that makes me imagine, momentarily, that these pressures surrounding us are inconsequential. Maybe then I can return to them with better eyes.

That's the kind of day it is. You probably know it - when the marriage problem seems unsolvable, the kids have completely forgotten every word you've ever spoken to them, no matter your hard work it seems nothing pans out in your job, the house is an insurmountable wreck, that relationship needs mended and you have no clue how it's going to happen, and let's not even mention money...oh, money. Fight or flight kicks in. And, today, the 'fight' within you is gone. You barely have the energy left for a sufficient run.

The ironic thing is, that's exactly what we should do. Run. Run for all we're worth.

Run to your Safe Place, your Harbour. Let Him strengthen you for the pressures before you. Take the time to be strengthened. 

He's waiting for you. 

Taking out the Trash.

"If you act like a trash can, people will put trash in you." 

It was a decision day for me. I don't know if any of the other interns knew it, sitting around the table that morning. It was my first summer internship as a ministry student. The first day of my first summer internship.

The words seared through my fragmented character, right to my soul. I knew I must change. Adulthood was at my doorstep. And before a real job, a marriage, or children, were indelibly affected by my lack of discretion, I knew I wanted this issue under control. I wanted control of my tongue and of the conversations I allowed to happen in my life.

Gossip is really the idea that my thoughts and words are more important than anyone else's. That my perceptions must be shared (except with the appropriate person, of course) because they are the most accurate and will, no doubt, reveal my wisdom and incredible insight.

And while I was busy making myself look smart, really what I was doing was shredding my character and reputation while I singed the edges of someone else's with my burning words and carelessness.

"If you act like a trash can, people will put trash in you." 

I have a journal full of notes from that summer, but I probably heard nothing more important the rest of the three months. My heart opened to those words and the Holy Spirit rested on me, "I forgive you. Now, go and sin no more..."

My whole future changed. I felt the rudder on the ship of my life readjust. Hope entered my heart. I felt clean, without condemnation, for the first time in a long time. I began to think of all the people I should make amends to. All the hearts I had hurt through immaturity, sinfulness, and selfishness.

I'd spent far too much of my time thinking I'd arrived because, by all outside assessments, I'd kept the rules. All the while, destroying one of God's most precious creations (His church) from the inside-out with my strongest weapon. Running my mouth.

I needed grace.

I know I made Him angry. I wondered why so many things in my life were in upheaval. I was LIVING IN SIN. A deeply rooted, slivery, difficult-to-detect sin. A sin that would have followed me all my life and most certainly obliterated everything I tried to build:  relationships, reputation, opportunities.

I repented. I took every step to change. I fail...more than I wish I did. And probably far more than I know. God has grace. My heart is after Him. Voracious about not being that person.

Do you know it? Do you feel the moment happening when someone's decided you're a trash can? It feels like a freight train you have no idea how to stop. And, instead of "offending them" by shutting them up, you smile and take in all the garbage. Desensitize yourself to this moment enough, and you'll start adding in your own trash. And soon, you'll begin to enjoy the whole process of getting your hands and heart filthy. 


Wonder why you always just "happen to come by" information? Why so often people love to tell you the intimate details of other people's lives? You're available for it. Something about you says, "Tell me. I'd love to hear all about them..."

The checklist of holiness is meaningless if we haven't seized control of the one thing we own which affects life and death. 

I wish I could keep others from treading the path I've walked. From wearing a "form" of holiness but shredding the hearts of those around them with careless words and deep hatred. I want to rush over and shake them by the shoulders, "You're killing everyone. You're the reason people hate coming to church. The reason so many do not feel safe with us. You're killing yourself. You're in the same list as the people you're slandering! (Galatians 5)."

The murder of a reputation is much closer to the murder of a person than we may think...

Are my conversations bringing life or death? Do people find comfort in talking with me? Or a confidante in their sin? Who am I, and who am I teaching others to become?

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. The choice is ours.

the "b" word

I've had some influential people in my life mention the "b" word to me. Relax - it's probably not the word you're thinking. But it is very pesky, elusive, difficult, and demanding. So, perhaps it's synonymous....

B a l a n c e . 

And I get so tired of hearing it. A balanced life. Balance the checkbook. A balanced diet. Keep a thoughtful balance in your relationships. My personality is given to generally anything but balance. I think all artistic people (and yes, I consider my artistic; don't burst my bubble) make beauty and create enthralling things through their ability to interpret and express extremes. But that's fun and entertaining in art. Not...everyday life. 

As such an extremist, the new lifestyle my husband and I have embraced has been challenging for me. Trying to find my 'balanced diet'.

I don't allow myself to indulge in any of my former food 'loves'. I haven't had chicken fingers since April 10. Almost two months clean! (Though the occasional Diet Coke slips in here and there.) Probably not a big deal for you; you've likely been eating grown up food for a long time, now! But I was sustaining myself on fried foods and basically huge portions of things you'd find on a kids' menu.

I'm coming to believe that I can have a food abstinence list (foods I absolutely will not eat) and still be balanced in my eating habits. Some days, this becomes another area of junior high peer pressure! I hear, "Oh, come on. It's just one *whatever*. Loosen up." But for me, it's never just one. 

So, part of being balanced is saying no. all. the. time. to certain things.

Yesterday, I listened to a message from Lisa Chan called, "Deny Yourself". As we started our new eating plan, people told me over and over, "You have to let yourself have a little of this and that every once in a while or you'll fall off the wagon." And that's true in some ways. It's why I don't mind eating just one cookie every once in a while. Or scraping some of the icing off a piece of wedding cake to enjoy, instead of eating the whole wedge. 

But "denying myself" has become part of my life. Especially as it regards the things I want most, which are usually the things that hurt me most.

Our culture has learned to say "no" to almost anyone or anything except ourselves. I don't say "no" to me, because then I'll be angry at me, and I have to live with me all day every day. But, saying "no" has become a form of self-love for me. Every "no" I say now, resounds a "yes" for my preferred future and the future of our family. 

Jesus said, "If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow." He didn't say, "If you want to follow Me, make sure you make some allowances for what's outside my plan. That'll help you stick with me most of the time." 

Sometimes the best way to balance one area is to become an extremist in another. Want a balanced thought life? Get extreme about pushing out negativity. A balanced marriage? Be dogged and determined to always believe the best about your spouse. Balanced finances? Go crazy on debt and frivolous spending.

You see, it's a see-saw. You've got to put enough pressure on one side to bring the other up. 

The balancing act doesn't happen in the middle of your life. It happens in everything you do at the furthest edges. In all those places that seem to have nothing to do with anything.

...Where do you need to apply some pressure to find some balance? 

provision

Constant. Like the humming of a perpetual, ever-running engine, our lives seem to move so quickly.

-We've been married for twenty-one months.
-I have been a teacher for two school years.
-My husband has been working his current job for five years.
-Our newest venture, getting physically healthy, has been underway for two months. We are enjoying every minute of learning to change our habits, thinking and lifestyle. And that's real! Yes, the first two-three weeks were hell on earth; they were complete with mood swings, withdrawal symptoms, and discouragement. But, now that we've made it over the hump. Neither of us can see ourselves ever returning to our old way of life. I've lost 22 pounds currently. And Webb has lost around 40. Looking good, aren't we?

We're overwhelmed by God's goodness around every corner. Unexpected blessings and provision we could never have made for ourselves.

Speaking of provision - the picture below is of the back of Webb's truck. A few weeks ago, he was driving a couple students from our high school to a class party when the truck hydroplaned on the highway, spun into the median, and hit the guards, keeping it from going into oncoming traffic. Webb and both kids were fine. But our truck has seen better days. The most amazing part of the day? The Lord woke up Webb's sister, Kelli, and told her to pray protection over her family. She obeyed. And, instead of what might have been, we have a truck to repair. We are so thankful.

This morning as I read, the thought of "daily bread", came to mind again. What we need rarely arrives early. Nor does it show up late. But, right on time. The moment we need it.
And while I'm holding up several things to the Lord, asking, "What about...?", my heart is at a full rest. The engine still humming, life still whirring, demands and dreams still beckoning. And I am learning to truly be still. That's how he's providing...