When Your Heart Surprises You

We have traveled our hearts out this summer, and we're not done yet! I definitely enjoy being on the road, seeing new places, and hugging family and friends. But I must say, I'm ready to be home for a while! Webb and I came home late a few nights ago, and I stood in our kitchen and said, "Man this house is so cute and cozy! We should totally move in here..." We laugh as much as we can.

Last week, during one of our road trips, I rushed into the gas station bathroom. (My bladder is not as patient as it was pre-pregnancy!) I realized the only feasible stall to use was still quite untidy, but I took my chances. Leaving, I saw beside the toilet a toilet brush and the urge hit me to really quickly clean the throne for the next person. Just scrub a little and wipe it down a bit. (And then of course scald my hands with water the temperature of 1000 white, fiery suns.)

But, I resisted the urge and gathered my purse, thinking, "The next person in here wouldn't even know how it was before. They wouldn't appreciate what I did for them. And the worker probably doesn't even care it's dirty. Why bother?"

I immediately felt shame flood my heart, rise up my neck, and blush my face. I was shocked at the reality of my motives. To be seen, to be appreciated, to be known as good. "Where is my servant heart?" I thought, "What have I become?"

It used to be my joy to perform unseen, unknown acts of service - A distant quality of our Father. All the fun was lost if someone knew it was me! What great excitement to serve someone in a way they didn't know they needed. I loved knowing that whoever I was serving could just receive - never feel obligated to repay, return the favor, or adequately thank someone.

And now here I am, wondering why I would serve in anonymity. I was surprised at my heart, and ashamed of its immaturity.

God whispered to my defiled conscience, "The true measure of servanthood is serving anonymously, serving those who won't know to thank you, serving those who may never respect or value you or what you do, and serving for an audience of One. Are you still my servant, Amanda? Or do you need more? Is the title "servant" enough for you? Or do you need others to praise you, appreciate you, applaud your efforts and 'selflessness'? Can you serve Me with gladness, know I see you, and be content with that?"

"I can, Lord. You know I can. Help me return to my first Love, and restore humility to my heart. I am sorry."

When your heart surprises you, it's time to let Jesus mold it over again. It's a potter/clay moment. We are given a distinct choice:  submit and grow, or resist and diminish. If we choose to grow, He'll give the grace to do it.

I Can't Wait

“You’ll teach me of hearts and dreams and all the most important things and all that I have lost along the way. 

And I can’t wait.” Sara Groves

I have so many things to learn. Glaring deficits of character, good habits by the wayside and bad ones in hand, and a penchant to speak my mind when silence would benefit us all. 

But I hold so much in my heart I can’t wait to bestow! Love, joy, peace, patience...though there are days in short supply...He gives new every morning and I can’t wait to share them. 

I keep hearing, “Well, you’ll understand when you have kids,” and, “You just wait until you can’t remember the last full night’s sleep you had,” or, “enjoy having nice things in your house now.” But the words are muffled and I just can’t bring myself to care! Right now, I am far too excited to share life with you to care about the parts of life you will change.

Let me tell you a little about your family...

We have big faith, huge dreams, and the biggest God. We are short on criticism and long on praise. We worry a little too much. Some days, we’re messy. We choose to believe the best about each other. We forgive. And, in the midst of that, we try to take Jesus way more seriously than we ever take ourselves. 

Your room will be ready soon. Your Dad insists you love the Redskins...so I'm hunting for a jersey or a cheerleader's uniform, guess you'll let me know in about a month which to pick (and, though I've pondered making your first receiving blanket a black and gold terrible towel, a happy marriage will likely make a better home for you). I hope you love words as much as I do and music as much as your Daddy. I hope your love for Jesus doubles both of ours. 

And when I meet you sometime in January, remember that I will need you to teach me just as many things as I teach you.

“How do you sleep so peacefully?

How do you trust unflinchingly?

How do you love so faithfully?

How do you dance so joyfully?

Oh you'll teach me,

Of hearts and dreams,

And all the most important things,

And all that I have lost along the way,

I can’t wait.”

the trap

"The fear of man's opinion is disabling..." 

Proverbs 29:25

I am incapable of making sincere decisions. Ones that I live out from my heart.

Unable to express the joy God has put in my soul.

Afraid of speaking His truth.

Disabled. Broken.

Why? Because what if they think the worst? What if they assume my motives are impure? What if they judge me? Gossip about me? Drag my reputation through the mud?

What if? They will. They have. They do.

You know how it feels - your best act of love rejected, your sincerest intentions questioned, your most vulnerable moment thrown in your face.

It breaks, binds, and suffocates. And I allow it to. Why?

Because, when the truth is told, I'm more afraid of man's opinion than I am of losing God's favor. I'm more intimidated by the daunting eyes and words of others' judgment than I am worried about the complete loss of myself. And that's what happens when I cower to, bow before, the opinion of men. I lose sight of Jesus; I lose any understanding of who He made me to be.

What a miserable place to live - in the fear of man.

Today, my parents were visiting with us for just a brief time. We sat at the table to eat breakfast and my dad said, "Let me share a Scripture with you, Amanda." I put my fork down, sensing the holiness of the moment.

"God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Tim. 1:7

And though I've heard those words so many times...

This morning, I heard him to say, "God has not given you a spirit of the fear of people..."

Some time ago, I was a confident, undaunted twenty-something who wasn't afraid to be sincere. Didn't hesitate to let you behind the scenes. And didn't worry if you didn't like what you saw. 

But the enemy knows the best way to snare us, to trap us. The quickest way to disable us. So, just a few naysayers, critics, judges, and haters and suddenly I'm in the corner, throwing in the towel, and looking for the best way to get out of the ring and give up forever. 

I think Jesus had His moments. The moments when the praise or hate of men beckoned Him to bow. But Scripture makes it plain, "Jesus didn't entrust Himself to them because He knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help seeing right through them." John 2:24-25

Though He never ceased to be fully man and fully God, and He never backed down, He never expected even those closest to understand and 'attaboy' Him at all times. 

He found Himself centered on His Father, undaunted by the hate, judgment, criticism, love, worship, praise of men. Free to live in God's will, unrestrained. 

I want to follow Him selflessly. Unworried about how I'll be perceived. So do you, if you're honest. So what's stopping you? The only person who can hold you back, bind you up, trap you...is you. 

Be free. Follow Him as you are. He will do the rest. Don't entrust yourself to man. Entrust yourself to the One who never fails. 

Easily Offending meets Easily Offended

When Webb and I married, September 2011, one of the first scriptural truths we set deeply into the core of our relationship was, "love is not easily offended." True love isn't offended when he forgets the trash, or she doesn't cook dinner for the third night this week. Love chooses to believe the best. Love says, "I can take that out, no problem," and, "She must have a lot on her mind. I'll order in for her." And! Love repeats those actions and beliefs e v e r y   s i n g l e   d a y.

We fail. We forgive. And we try again. Thank God for grace!

Offense is such an ugly thing. Offending is an ugly thing. And there is carelessness and selfishness demonstrated on both sides of an offense quite often. Look around you and watch as offense ruins relationships all the way from acquaintances to marriages. We see it in the media. Make a poor vocabulary choice, a misstep in sharing your thoughts, and stand in a stupor as the world sets your life up in flames. Ask Paula Deen.

The thing that reaches beyond annoyance or just making me shake my head at the ridiculousness and move on, and actually hurts my heart, is how often this happens in the body of Christ. The very Bride He set aside to demonstrate His love and show His compassion on earth, quibbles and stumbles over word choices or opinions and fails to hold out LOVE as the most important priority. This can stand preeminent as the reason we are losing credibility and favor in our world. Christ said they'd know us by our LOVE. Where's the love?

Webb and I wouldn't survive marriage if we chose to be offended or assume the worst of each other. How will our churches survive if we continue to let offending and offense dwell among us?

I read a great post from Mark Rutland this morning on the Paula Deen saga. He used the story to talk about this issue of offense:

"The next time you [say], "you offended me" remember that St. Paul says love is not easily offended. Probably the offensive speaker needs more love. Just as likely the easily offended and the frequently offended need to contemplate their own lack of love. Re-read I Cor. 13, especially verse 5. Check out what St. Paul has to say about taking offense." M. Rutland 

One version of 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Love takes no account of the evil done to it. It pays no attention to a suffered wrong."

Do I have love? Do I have what it takes to refuse the urge to force someone to "make it right"? Do I have what it takes to be like Jesus? Do I have what it takes? I have Him. He is more than enough. I can get over it. I can refuse to be offended. And I can care enough for others to never want to offend them, and to candidly and openly apologize if I do.

My youth pastor always admonished us when we shared a grievance, "You know what your second step is? What you need to do now? Step 1 is getting mad. Step 2 is getting over it." Then he'd condescend himself to our childlike level, speak slowly and clearly, and say, "Say it with me, 'Get overrr iiittttt'."It helped. As an adult, I speak it to myself frequently.

None of us is beyond having our hearts hurt. And often the offenses are real. They're deep. And they have the potential to be lasting. My job, is to employ Love to help me do whatever I've got to do to care for others, and when I'm hurt by others, to Get Over It.