I realize my post from a couple days ago may be a little bit confusing if you don't know why I made this trip to the middle of the desert! (Which, currently, is a much more comfortable temperature than stiflingly humid Florida :).
In 2006, my grandmother was happy and healthy - working full-time and bossing all of us around. At 74 years old, she never seemed a day over 65 to us, with more energy than I had on my best days and a driven personality that rivaled the Apostle Paul.
Our family experienced shock and sadness when she was diagnosed with Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. We've experienced a lot of things together but nothing like this. Nothing that came out of thin air and stole our breath this way.
Brave and stubborn, and knowing in her spirit that God was not through with her time here, she underwent more than her fare share of chemo and endured a grueling stem cell transplant (which people her age are generally denied as an option). The doctors were amazed she was able to withstand them both and come out the other side - in remission!
It's been 18 months since that time. We have been thankful for each day and made the most of one another's company. But, we learned a few weeks ago the cancer has returned. It is progressing rather rapidly with no feasible options for treatment. And now, Gramma has decided her time is more about quality than quantity. So, with an estimated two-six months left here with us, she is staring "transition" full in the face and making preparations.
I sat with her the other day and she was as honest as she's always been. Just like she was when she started a health clinic in a town which had no possibility for anything of the sort. She told her employees, "This will be hard. We won't have enough money. There will be times when it seems what we have to do is unreasonable. And, if you need out, that's fine. I will understand and I will still give you a good recommendation." (She kept all her employees and the health center now has two cites in the town and several physicians to serve the peoples' needs.)
She sat and told me, "You need to understand these things: I'm not scared. I have no fear - never have. Because I know in Whom I have believed. And you need to know I'm not angry. I know I'm in the middle of God's will. So you can't be scared. And you can't be angry." Unusual things for someone with six months to live to say. The kind of things only a real champion of the faith can speak.
I journeyed here to help her with the last minute things: house details, personal items, finishing up things at work and doing any and everything she may not be strong enough to do (which, so far, she has let be very little). And, besides those things, to share in conversation and in space, each other's company.
A friend called to check in on her the other day, "Ora, I heard the news. What are you doing about it?"
"I'm packing!" she responded.
She told me, "I have no regrets. And I am not sad. My only sadness is that I am leaving you for a while."
I'm thankful we have the opportunity to share these words. So many do not. Death sweeps in and steals away those sort of precious moments. We are creating as many of them as we can.
Today, as I watched her move about the house, hurriedly returning phone calls, taking one interview from a local newspaper, attending two meetings and managing to cook dinner for her older brother next door...I sat back in complete awe. She refuses to take anything "sitting down". As I observe her, my own courage is nurtured.
There is not much else to say right now. We are doing what must be done. We are enjoying all we can. We are soaking it up. Letting out tears sparingly (we're a bit of a "big girls don't cry" family, though I am an exception) and laughing as much as possible at everything from the conveniences of baldness to the aggravation of trying to draw two identical eyebrows on your face.
A few pictures of the journey...
2 comments:
Thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey. I did not know any of this. I am in awe of the wonderful legacy of your grandmother that she is continuing to make. What an amazing woman! I love you and I am praying for you. While I miss you, I am so glad that you get to spend this precious time with your grandmother.
This is precious, and brought tears to my eyes. I consider myself privileged to have met this amazing woman, even if it was only for a brief time. You are brave, and you are loved.
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