And the Bride...ate ice cream

I have struggled with my weight my whole, livelong, entire life. It's been a daily difficulty - striving to make good choices, falling off the wagon, starting over. Though my weight hasn't fluctuated greatly, my dress size has always been a great matter of stress and anxiety for me.

When I started to think I may be getting married, my initial thought was, "I've got to go on a diet! I want to lose at least ___ pounds before a wedding!!!" And I thought back to every friend I've stood beside as they've starved, sweated and strained to reach their "wedding weight". My next thought was, "Do I want to be a skinny bride, or a happy bride?"

Though those two things don't need to be mutually exclusive, I felt that if I pinned all my desire for weight loss on my wedding, the overall wedding happiness and bridal bliss might suffer. Weight loss for me is a longterm goal and a life-altering experience. It's not a superficial, how-do-I-look, sort of a thing.

One of my favorite parts of planning my wedding is that I've been able to do much of it with one of my "fristers" (friend/sister). Meagan and I quickly realized that we had the same ideology about the bridal weight loss campaign.

One afternoon, as we ran some errands for Meagan's wedding, we decided we needed a frosty from Wendy's to keep our motivation flowing. As we drove away, jr frosties in hand, Pastor Mom quipped, "Girls! We've got weddings coming up. This will be our last frosty for quite some time!"

Meagan and I glanced at each other, shrugged, and scraped the bottom of our cups for the last bit of ice cream. You could tell our sentiment was, "Maybe the last frosty for you!".

With so many things to worry about in planning a wedding (and a move at the same time!), becoming my goal weight in the bat of an eye just can't fit on my plate (pun completely intended). That will come, in time.

For now, I will revel in the fact that I will be the most beautiful, size *cough cough* bride you have EVER SEEN!

I have lists of to-do's and to-call and to-pay strewn all over my house. Along with the clean laundry I haven't had a moment to fold. My fridge is wondering if it will ever see food again as a half-eaten watermelon and a bottle of water stare out at me. And my purse looks like I've been collecting trash from the side of the road in it. But - one step at a time, it's all getting done!

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement. I got an extra special FB message last week from someone who planned their wedding in a similar predicament - no mom, moh or fiance in the tri-county area! Thank you for your kind words.

And now, it's off to a day of wedding work!

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This has been such an emotional time, and today is no exception. Today marks one year since the loss of my Grandmother. I miss her especially now, as this important day approaches. I can't believe she didn't get to meet Webb (or should I say, he didn't get to meet her?). But I am comforted today by God's loving hand. He knows...

(the message and picture above are from Rep. Gabby Giffords)

we miss your smile.

A Time for Rejoicing

There are just under forty days until our wedding. Those words make me grin every time, without fail. "Our wedding". Unbelievable.

I am still in awe every, single day of the man Jesus has brought into my life. If you and I could have a cup of coffee together, I would share with you in great detail the miracle that God has done. For now, let me just tell you a little!

In my life, I have made three different prayer lists as I sought the heart of God about my husband. I made at list at 16 years old, one at 21 years old and one at 26 years old. Then, I “shelved” them. Looked at them maybe once a year and, generally, forgot what I put on them! I itemized the last list I made into two parts: “must-haves” and “icing”.

Of all these lists, and the dozens of traits, qualities, giftings and experiences on them, my soon-to-be-husband (and his family) is nearly exactly what I prayed! In fact, there are only three little details that aren't precisely who he is. And…they just happen to be “icing” items. God has done exceedingly, abundantly more than I could have asked or imagined.

Yes, way more. In all of that listing, there were a few things I didn't know I needed. And somehow…He knew. And brought even those to me in the form of a man who loves me passionately and unconditionally. He does all things well.

I have a picture frame on my wall given to me by our incredible Young Adults group. It’s inscribed, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein.

The pressure of this time is quite challenging. And there is great temptation to stop my celebrating, look away from the miracle God has done and focus on the task at hand and all the impossibilities therein.

The “reality”?: We just made a bittersweet announcement to our church this morning - Webb and I will be making our home in North Carolina as we begin our life together. And, though we both know we've heard God's heart about our move, I have only three Sundays left at the most special place of my life thus far. This means that, in less than 40 days, I will plan a wedding, organize a move, try to finish (with excellence) a job I have always felt deserved far more than I am capable of, and try to give all the time and attention I possibly can to loved ones here who I will miss so dearly.

And, as the Lord would see it fit, my family (including my Mom who is the most efficient planner I know) lives in Arizona. My fiancé is 700 miles away. And my “sister” and maid-of-honor just moved to Chicago.

You can imagine that there is great opportunity for joy-stealing! Pressure, stress and anxiety can be the devil’s playground.

But the truth? “The joy of the Lord is my strength”! And that truth is far greater than any “reality”. Joy, true and deep abiding joy, is not only a gift from God…it is a choice. I stretch out my hands to receive joy and with it comes the strength I need to walk today. It’s a cruel trick the enemy plays – if he can take our joy, he truly can sap our strength.

This is why Paul says, “Rejoice! Again I say, REJOICE!” Not just because it’s so vital that we’re happy. But because when we rejoice, a seismic shift happens in our spiritual atmosphere. God gets full credit for the miracle He has done, our hearts absorb the truth of Hs goodness at the deepest level, and the enemy’s tactics are shot. All because we chose joy.

So…the moving boxes might not be inventoried just how I’d like. And the wedding reception might be missing a few things. And there may be loose ends beyond my grasp in my job.

But you know what I'll do instead of worry? Rejoice. Deeply and with abandon.

Because the truth is…the deepest dream of my heart has come to pass. And to stay – forever. And the miracle of the moment deserves my full attention.

Part 3 (and a little 4)

The questions turned as quickly as the tires on the interstate. We decided a meeting location where he would pick me up and my friends would drive on. I can’t lie; I wanted to drive on with them. It was an overwhelming moment. But we drove up and parked beside his truck, and I took a deep breath...

________________________________________________________________

When we pulled up beside Webb's truck, I was totally overwhelmed. He got out and came around to help with my bags and as I stood up, I almost passed out! No joke. The situation was like, four-fold nervousness. 1.) I was seeing Webb. 2.) I was meeting his family (and we didn't even know if we were going to seriously date). 3.) I was preaching for their ladies retreat the next morning. 4.) I was going to stay the night with all of these ladies (none of whom had I met before). The result? Almost passing out.

Webb was so good to me; instead of rushing straight to the retreat, he took me to dinner to give me a moment between driving 12 hours and meeting dozens of new people. I made note of his consideration; he seemed to do that well in every way (opening doors, paying for dinner, inquiring of what I wanted/needed at any given moment). I now have a wonderful, soon-to-be, mom-in-law to thank for such habits! We had fun at dinner and, way too soon, it was time to go. He dropped me off at the retreat with some fabulous ladies and in the care of his wonderful mom and sister, and we said goodnight.

The next day, Saturday, he picked me up at the conclusion of the retreat. We ate lunch together and, afterwards, he opened up a serious conversation. (The passing out feeling returned). We were driving along and I felt lightheaded as he talked. I can't remember most of what he said, though I'm sure it was super eloquent and important. I just remember the conclusion:

"What do you think about making this official?"

...silence...

"Not exactly the answer I was anticipating. But, uhm...yeah...take your time."

"Have you really thought about this? I mean really thought about it? How will we date from 700 miles? And what will we do if we decide to move forward from dating? And how will we even be sure we know each other? And what if...and what about...and...and...???"

He quietly and patiently drove in circles while I (no easy way to put this) flipped out.

"Amanda. Why do you think it's taken me so long to ask you this question? Yes. I have thought about all of this."

"And you're ok with it? You're not freaked out?! I mean seriously...this is nuts!"

"I've just come to the conclusion that it will all work out if God intends it to."

...silence...

The passing out feeling got more intense. I looped my arm through his, with huge eyes, and asked, "Is this ok even though I don't know how to answer you right now?"

He smiled, "Yes. Take your time. You don't have to answer now, this weekend, or even a week from now."

My heart unclinched. I had an answer about him. But, everything else? I had no idea about anything else. And just because you might fall in love with someone doesn't mean everything else will just work out. Only in movies, right? Should I make a heart decision or a head decision? Why can't this just be simple?

It was time for dinner with his family. I'll never forget how much, and how hard, we laughed through that whole dinner. I had a headache by the end! It felt so much like home. And yet, I still had no answer.

Sunday passed. I tried to work up the nerve to answer him Sunday night - but it came across more as a "maybe" than a "yes I want to date you with all my whole heart". Monday, we met our friends Meagan and Nathan in Manteo (about an hour away). On the way, we shared our whole stories. All of our hearts. We cried. We laughed. And then we had a blast hanging out with good friends.

On the way back, I finally had my answer. "I think I'd like to date you..." (I meant, I think I'd like to be with you for a very, very long time. But "eh, you're alright I guess" is what came out.)

"Yes? Is that a yes?" he made certain.

"That's a yes. Yes."

"Really?! Ok. Yes. Let's do this..."

Texting, turned into phone calls, which turned into Skyping, which turned into visits which, three months later, became...

So...I guess we may need a part four now! There are so many pages to this love story, the biggest blessing in my life so far and the most specifically and perfectly answered prayer.

Thank you for letting me share it with you.

Part 2 of My Favorite Story

Ok, so part two!

You know those little, flirty texts you exchange and then have to keep yourself from smiling? Because if you smile, everyone else in the room will need to know who you’re talking to? Yeah. We started exchanging some of those. And the really awkward and embarrassing question of “how loud do you scream?” ended up being a great conversation starter.

We talked on the phone from time to time, getting to know each other. “So where did you grow up?” “What’s your family like?” “What made you want to go into ministry?” We laughed. A lot. And phone calls became a little more frequent.

I started evaluating everything I knew about Webb from college. And everything I saw about him while we attended church together (three years prior). I replayed the drive from the airport, how it was comfortable, easy and so much fun. And a “thought” turned into real, actual interest. I began to consider this guy named Webb and ponder all his possibly potential qualities.

But by March, I realized this interest was one-sided – my side. I knew he wasn’t in the same place. He had been quite honest about that (when we had the dreaded, horrifyingly awkward “define the relationship” talk.)

So, I pulled the e-brake. “I don’t really let many people get into these spaces of my life. And I just can’t keep opening my heart to you this way.” (I also knew he had some other “friends” with whom he shared his life. Totally normal for him, and probably the rest of the world. But just not doable for me.) I told him I didn’t want to keep up the talking.

I felt good about it. This was March of 2010 and I was happy to be back to my old, free-of-any-thought-of-a-relationship life. Things were simple. I missed talking to Webb in moments, but I felt a lot more sane! Things were good.

Until four months later. When my grandmother passed away my first inclination was to call Webb. That inclination made me angry. So I text instead. I was annoyed with myself for breaking my commitment to myself and my vow of silence. But...shrug.

…Texting, turned into phone calls, which turned into conversations, which…you get it. Our friendship continued…

By January of this year, I found myself feeling just like I did last spring. I needed this friendship to become something, or nothing. The land of the gray just wasn’t going to work out for me. Telling myself I’d be fine with either scenario, I sent an email. A very vulnerable email. And asked for the same sort of response - real. Which came three weeks later. (Three weeks. Yes. Three weeks. “Did you talk to each other in those three weeks?” you might ask. Yes, yes we did. For hours in fact. And Mr. Hoggard never found it timely to bring up the email. I was too stubborn to mention it. So I waited.)

And then…a text message.

I couldn’t believe two things: he was deciding to address the email and he was doing so through text. But it opened the conversation, so I listened.

“About your email…”

That night we realized that we didn’t have to know everything. We didn’t need to be perfect to try things out. We just needed to know that we wanted to know…and that much, we knew. So we took our first step. We wouldn’t make things official or public. We’d just not date other people and commit to learning more about each other.

That was February. And by March, we took the leap to make an actual visit. Well, actually, I took the leap. I got in the car with friends who were making a trip to NC and traveled 700 miles. My heart trapped somewhere between my toes and my throat. I had no idea what I would find. Would I actually like being with him? Would it be awkward? What would his family think? His church? Would he measure up to what he had portrayed on the phone? Would I feel comfortable with him?...

The questions turned as quickly as the tires on the interstate. We decided a meeting location where he would pick me up and my friends would drive on. I can’t lie; I wanted to drive on with them. It was an overwhelming moment. But we drove up and parked beside his truck, and I took a deep breath.

…

Part 1

So…there’s this guy….

(I’ve waited 26 years to say that!)

What a story this is. I always hoped that when Jesus brought his man for me the story would be detailed, beautiful and hilarious. And it’s everything I ever dreamed of – the man and the story.

Because it’s so detailed, I’m going to post it in segments. Too much to tell all at once! But let me just say this before I say anything else:

The wait is worthwhile. Every hour. Every minute. Every single second.

You know those fated “lists” that they talk you into making when you’re a teenager? Somebody says something like, “Write down everything you want in a future spouse. Make a list. Keep it and pray for them.”

Hopeless romantic that I am, I labored over a list. I really sat and thought about every, random little thing I could possibly want and I wrote it down. I gave it to one of our youth leaders, a dear friend of mine now, Chasity. She’s been praying over it ever since. For ten years. One of my favorite parts of this story? This man is every line of that list! From frivolous to spiritual – he is every, single thing. And more...

I embraced those ten years of waiting as best I could. I grew; I learned about God and myself. I sensed how full of purpose it was. And I thanked God for grace and patience. All the while, He was working, weaving everything together to create this intricate, beautiful tapestry.

So, without further adieu – a love story…

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In December of 2009, I was on my Grandmother’s porch, savoring the last of our holiday vacation. I sprawled out on the porch swing, soaking up the gentle December sunlight and smiling, thankful for the time. “I still don’t know how I’m getting home from the airport...” I thought. I dismissed the notion just as quickly as it came; it didn’t really matter at the moment. I was enjoying time with family and didn’t want the reality check of booking a ride home.

My feet brushed the pavement of the porch as I continued swinging. There hadn’t been a more beautiful day in Arizona that winter: perfectly mild, optimistically bright and just breezy enough to wash over me with calm. I was in the zone.

And then, my phone rang. My mind immediately scrolled through what could possibly be going on at the church. But, as I grabbed my phone, I saw it was a friend from college. I questioned for a moment, but then, I knew exactly what he wanted. You see, when he graduated, he left a television with my roommate. When she got married, she left that television with me. He wanted it back.

“But he lives in North Carolina. How am I even supposed to get him that TV? I really don’t want to deal with that right now.” My thumb reached for “ignore”, and then my conscience took over. I answered.

He explained he was driving to Florida soon and wanted to swing by and get the TV. I told him, “that’d be great, but, I’m in Arizona.”

“Well, when do you come back?”

(Sheez, he really wants this stinking TV.) “Uhm, I fly in the 29^th. When do you come down?”

“Just a little before that, but I’ll be in Orlando.”

And then it occurred to me – shazam! – he could get me from the airport and take me home. I get a taxi service; he gets a TV. Done.

We were acquaintances in college. I knew him as the hysterical, social scene, kind of guy. He was all about ministry, especially music, and had tons of friends.

I was working. Always. In fact, I’m surprised I came out of college with any friends at all. That’s just the providence of God. So, while I knew who he was, I didn’t know Webb at all really. And he didn’t know me.

When I arrived in Orlando, I drug my overpacked, Christmas-gift-stuffed, bags off the belt and stepped onto the curb, looking for his truck. Nowhere in sight. I called, “Are you here?”

“Yeah, I’m coming around.”

“Oh, ok…didn’t see your truck.”

“Yeah, I’m driving a big, white van.”

“Van?”

“For the missionaries?”

“Right. Ok.”

He pulled up. In a big, embarrassing church van, just as he had described. His buddy Matt was with him, and jumped out of the passenger seat, hefting my bags into the back of the van like quite the gentleman. I slid into the second row seat. Small chat ensued.

A lull in conversation came and Webb caught my eye in the rearview mirror. I smiled slightly and tilted my head as to say, “yes?”

And then he popped the question. A terribly awkward, story-making question. “So,” (insert long pause here), “how loud do you scream?”

Totally bewildered and, to be honest, a little freaked out, I just stared. His words caught up with him. “Wait! No, no! That’s not what I meant! I mean…”

And suddenly, another of his friends who had been in hiding, lunged at me from the backseat and shook my shoulders in an attempt to scare me. I continued staring (more weirded out by Webb's question than the scare attempt).

Inner monologue? “This is going to be the longest ride home ever. Dear. Lord.”

Webb tried to bail himself out of the awkward comment again, “Ok..so, I just was…we were trying to scare…sigh…”

I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing. And his guys gave him grief all the way home.

Webb’s possibly the funniest person I have ever met. In a one-hour trip from the airport, I laughed more than I had in the past year. He played along well with the hazing from his friends. And I had a headache by the time we pulled up to my apartment.

He sealed the deal of my “interest” when he carried both of my ginormous suitcases up the stairs in one trip, with little effort. “I’ve gotta get me one of these,” I thought.

He dropped off the bags, picked up the TV, I said thanks and off he went. I couldn’t help but hope I would hear from him again.

And I did...

Erasing Hell

The discussion on hell continues. Thought these words from Chan were sensitive and wise. Your thoughts?

in the waiting

I know I'm all about videos this week. But I just couldn't resist.

I got this from one of our young ladies today - she emailed it and said, "Watch this. This is my heart." And I am so proud of her. She's helping friends with wedding plans, sending them off on dates, oohing and aahing over their newest relationship news. Her heart is so consecrated to Jesus and enthralled with His plan for her.

Waiting for God's best is hard. But there is much more reward to the wait than pain. Much more. I'll be testifying about those rewards soon! Can't wait to tell you about the wonderful man Jesus has brought into my life. And he's showing me more every day how much he is worth the wait.

Be encouraged! Whatever you may be waiting on - God's got it!

building attendance or attendees

Chandler and Furtick from Harvest Bible Chapel on Vimeo.

Lately my thoughts have been circling around the concepts presented by Matt Chandler and Steven Furtick in this video.

I've never been to either of their churches. I frequent Furtick's blog; I've never read anything from Chandler. I'm not throwing them up here for a game of pick the "right" pastor. They just represent two different approaches for advancing the Kingdom (which I believe both are doing successfully). I'd be very interested to know where you/your church stand on this conversation.

The tagline of this exchange was "Preaching to build the attendance VS. Preaching to build the attendees".

My thought? Why the VS? If I had to choose?...Both. Why not both?

Preach the Gospel. And use whatever means, short of sin, to bring in more people to hear this Good News. I don't think we need to forego depth in order to reach more people. There's got to be a way to get the real Message to many people without compromising It's truth.

Why do we feel the need to choose? Why think we can be "seeker sensitive" or we can "preach the Word"? It's not about choosing between quality and quantity of attendees. It's about facilitating the opportunity for your church to make many, true disciples.

Every time the Pastor enters the pulpit, there can be temptation beforehand on either side of the spectrum. He can think, "I better strike point three. Just saw so-and-so and I don't want to offend them." Or he can think, "Good. They're here. They need to hear this." Both thoughts are fleshly.

If our Message seeks to honor Christ, crafted in the heart of man by the Holy Spirit, preached to bring Him glory and see Him lifted up...He will take care of the results. He will draw people to Himself. And He'll draw them into a deep, thriving relationship.

Our job isn't to build "large" churches. Or to make people become more faithful as disciples. Our job is to be obedient in seeking God and speaking truth...in love, and with listeners in mind. Our job is to provide every possible opportunity for people to get to know the real Jesus. As many people as possible.

I'm sure, when you get to the bottom of this exchange, that's what both pastors are saying. Build the Church - which is made of people. The only true way to build a church, is to build people.

How does your church do this?

everybody's fine

Sometimes I forget God is God. On the throne. Not my buddy or my confidante or even just the lover of my soul. Almighty God. The One responsible for everything.

The One responsible. For everyone.

I like to think I'm a bit of a caregiver. I like to take good care of people. I enjoy being the kind of person who helps. Who anticipates what might be needed. And, before it's even asked - done. It's a family trait. A great caregiver can do this without you even seeing that they've taken care of you. They become invisible. Amenities and comforts just *poof*, appear out of nowhere.

My Mother has always been this way. She never had to say, "here". Things were always just there. There were no midnight runs to the pharmacy in our home; we were always stocked with the necessities. Never waited for clean linens. Never noticed dirt in my home; it was gone before given the chance to be fruitful and multiply. She has always taken incredible care of us. I like to think I learned a little from her - though at times my caregiving tends to be more "personal" than "practical" (midnight runs to wal-mart and beyond aren't a stranger to my life).

The plight of the caregiver? Thinking if they don't give, someone will lack. If they don't care, who will? We run ourselves ragged thinking, "They need this..." or "I have to do this," and "what will happen if I don't?". Pride gets the best of me sometimes. I think that I can (and should) take excellent care of every person in my life. That I'm somehow responsible for their well-being and happiness. I create this picture where everyone needs me and I have value in my world because I can provide for people a comfort and ease that they need. Dangerous territory, that is.

There's a part in the movie Bruce Almighty where Jim Carrey, who is assuming the responsibilities of God (yes, Yahweh, God, Jehovah), is responding to hundreds of "prayers" (emails) and doling out answers and blessings. Until he can't. Until it's overwhelming. Until he realizes he's barely a decent human...let alone a suitable "God".

Feels good to be needed, doesn't it? Feels good to "come through" for someone. Until I can't. Until I reach my limit. And then, there are a bunch of people I've set up to "need" me who feel failed, disappointed. Or thankful that I've realized I don't have the capacity to meet their needs anyway and they can stop stroking my ego which is begging for affirmation.

It feels horrible in a really holy, beautiful way to look around and realize, "everybody's fine".

The race comes to a hault; I look around to spot Jesus' eyes. He is calmly reclined, amused by my dance, and waiting to take care of me in all the ways I keep telling everyone, "I'm fine".

I've kept Him waiting long enough...

Pace Setter

I love going to the gym for so many reasons. It's good for me - body, soul and spirit. Worship music pumping through me while I exhaust my every frustration, anger, disappointment and worry. I am anonymous. Not noteworthy in any way. Middle of the pack. And happy to be.

Tonight as I breezed into the ladies gym (easiest to ensure anonymity and invisibility), I hopped on the treadmill, set my pace, and starting zoning out. I was walking kind of furiously, my mind racing, and I began to get irritated with my "neighbor". She kept glancing over at me. "What, lady?" I thought, "Geez, eyes forward. I'm not here as far as you're concerned." And then, I noticed. She'd glance over at me and hit a button on her treadmill. And repeat. She was aiming to match my pace. I'd turn it up and run a second; she'd turn hers up and walk more briskly. I'd back down, she'd back down. I couldn't help but smile. We women...we're not to be outdone!

But then a stark reality hit me. I'm a pace setter. If you're a leader, that's what you do. Your pace is an example to those around you. They'll modulate their stride in proportion to yours. You've seen it, I'm sure. Sometimes we're the pace setter in an environment and have no idea. Of all the people in this gym, why in the world would this chick want to match my pace!? But yet, she did. If I quit, she'd give herself room to slow down. If I ran, she pushed herself.

Go too fast, our fellow journeyers become discouraged, thinking they can't keep up. They may sit it out.

Go too slow, they'll find the pace monotonous and unambitious, "we'll never get anywhere at this rate". They may look around for someone else's pace to match.

Steady and strong. Regardless of circumstance or opposition. That should be my pace as a leader. Gently turning things up a notch, encouraging those around me toward their personal best. Slowing it down a bit when I see they're trying to catch their breath.

You're a pace setter in your home. When we run rampant and strive, it's evident how those around us will feel: burdened, stressed and inadequate (just like we probably feel). But take it at a manageable, sustainable, faithful pace, carrying peace and composure, and watch your fellow travelers. They seem lighter and more confident. They feel safe with you. They stay by your side longer. They grow.

And eventually, they supersede your pace, toss you a grateful wave and move forward. While your feet keep plodding pavement. Steadily, faithfully.

Every year is another notch. Sometimes it seems no faster - just more of an incline. You're being stretched in ways no one can perceive. But you are being strengthened. And when someone matches, really matches, that pace...then the strength you're gaining becomes theirs as well.

Press on. Pray for a second wind. Get refreshed and get back on pace. I've got to do whatever it takes. There are still people waiting to hear the Good News.

"But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from [which was entrusted to me by] the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news (Gospel) of God's grace (His unmerited favor, spiritual blessing, and mercy)."

-Paul

(if you love this print as much as I do...click here)

"I Have Decided"

Here's a disclaimer: I'm writing this at 2 am (never advisable) because I've been sick and started a new medicine that keeps me up. all. night. But, I figure why not make use of this midnight oil and do something I haven't had the free-thinking time to do in a while: spend time with you.

For some reason, this memory keeps coming back to me these past few weeks...

On Mother's Day of 2009 I was in Arizona, spending the first Mother's Day in forever with my Mom and my Gramma. I lucked out, because that just happened to also be the weekend my dear cousin, Sherri, was having her precious daughter dedicated to Jesus, so we all got to share in the service together.

Of course, Gramma was overjoyed that yet another grand/great-grandbaby was being dedicated to the Lord, so the time together was emotional in general. But at the conclusion of the service, as we sang the hymn "I Have Decided", emotion took a backseat to a divine encounter.

We had already been through so much of this cancer battle. Ups, downs, heartbreaks, exhilarating victories. But we had no idea what the future might hold. Years before the battle had begun, Gramma went through a pretty sad time while her hearing deteriorated. She had loved to sing and hearing loss swept that away (in a public sense anyway).

But not for this moment...

As the worship team led us in song, she began humming beside me. Then, singing softly. And then, I could sense the Holy Spirit all around as her voice grew louder: "I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back, no turning back," and "though none go with me, still I will follow". Through each verse, her voice grew more sincere, full of emotion, commitment and history. And I was so aware I was merely eavesdropping on a conversation that had nothing to do with me. Or anyone else, really. The declaration had been in her spirit since the grim diagnosis.

But I felt so honored to be a bystander and hear the exchange between them; this woman so full of trust and a Savior who held all of her life in the palm of His hand. She sang words that only someone who really knew this Jesus could sing. Words with one theme, "If it's only me and You. If only we can walk this journey. I will follow. Just to be with You. You and Me."

I quietly let the moment wash over me. It was so reassuring. So feeble in trusting Jesus sometimes, I stood beside this General who, in one brief exchange, put every worry or doubt to rest. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to lose the moment.

"Jesus, I want to know all she knows about You. I want to be decided that way. Give me what she's got." I still seek for all she had, and more. I can only imagine what she's got now. What a reward.

What a Savior; what a Friend. Who else could beckon such deep love and trust in the midst of all that may (or may not) happen on our confounding journeys? No one else would be worthy of such devotion. Such love. Only the One who gave all just to have us close to Him.

Truly, He is so close to the broken-hearted.

Tomorrow, I'm spending some time fasting and praying for Kate McRae and her family (click the link to read her story). Kate's (7) diagnosis is also grim. But through the McRae family, I hear the same declaration echoed in brokenness and reverence: "I have decided". There are links on Kate's site to her parents' blogs. Join in praying for Kate's total and complete healing if you're willing/able.

My Digital Toolbox

Alright. I saw a post from Carlos Whittaker a few weeks ago that inspired me to pass on a few things to you all. He listed the digital/technological tools which were coming in handy most for him currently. And on his list were several things I was using, but also several things I needed (and consequently, am now using). So, I'm going to list a few "must-have" items in my digital (administrative and design) toolbox. They're great (mostly free) tools for organizing or "pretty-fying" your life.

First let me say this: I am, seriously, in no way, shape or form, a technological whizkid. I am merely trying to keep up with my peers and, most the time, save face. These guys help me with that a LOT:

1. Bittbox.com free giveaways (lots of textures), great tips, tons of resources for us "self-taught" designers.

2. Evernote.com Network all your to-do lists. THIS IS A LIFESAVER! No more combining a list from your phone, on your laptop and jotted on the back of a receipt. As soon as you type your thought on Evernote on your phone, it's uploaded to your computer. Take pictures and save ideas you've seen. Etc.

3. Vimeo.com the easiest way on the planet to get your video to your website. (trust me, if I figured it out...it's the easiest!)

4. Dropbox.com annoyed with trying to maintain the same files on your laptop as desktop as phone as....? no more. Keep all your "across-the-board" files in your dropbox and they'll be available when and where you need them. No problem. Shred your jump drives. Blech.

5. Yousendit.com Sending huge files back and forth across the world? This has been a seamless and easy way for me. Send PSD's, large images, whatever. Inexpensive and fast.

6. Of course I wouldn't be able to live without my Macbook Pro. (I used to be a PC girl. It's true. And converting me was no easy task. But I've seen the light and I'm never turning back.)

7. RapidWeaver. A program my eight year old nephew could most likely build his own, personal website using. It's FABULOUSITY.

8. Motorola Droid. I know. I hear you iPhone snobs giggling. But it hasn't failed me yet! I actually quite love my phone and it has effectively made my office mobile.

9. Stacks, RapidWeaver plug-in. Another essential for easy website creation. Create your images and toss them in. D-o-n-e.

10. Twitter. Follow the right people and you won't get "left-behind". I follow designers, politicians, pastors, leaders, musicians and really smart friends. A tweet at just the right time, with just the right resource, has saved me hours. True story.

11. And....friends. I know that's not a "digital" tool, perse. But friends like Michelle Weger keep me moving in the right direction.

And, coming soon, a more "meaningful" post (though productivity has significance all its own).

What You Do in Practice...

I played softball when I was a kid. It was a huge part of my life in elementary and middle school. Trust me, I wasn’t an MVP, but I gave it my all! We lived about a mile and a half from the ballpark in our town and I used to ride my bike to practices or games. Sometimes I’d ride my bike to the field when I knew no one else would be there.

I’d sit quietly in the dugout and run through plays in my head. Go over my mistakes from the last game, my victories, what I could do better. What position I’d be shooting for next. I’d imagine what it would be like when I was at my best. It was like I had a relationship with the field nobody else had because of those moments spent there. Quiet, contemplative moments.

We had an incredible coach named JoDonna Birdoff. If you know anything about coaching, you know that your team will not produce something that you don’t have. They will, however, reproduce your character right before your very eyes. They will face adversity the way you do. Treat their competitors as you treat yours. Honor each other the way you honor them. And they will have your endurance and strength of will. If you choose to coach, you will reproduce who you are, not what you want.

JoDonna knew this well. She coached us girls to have character. Respect for people. Integrity – the same person on and off the field. And I can’t tell you how many times her voice echoed across the field, “What you do in practice you’ll do in the game! Remember that. WHAT YOU DO IN PRACTICE, YOU WILL DO IN THE GAME!”

There was no tolerance for sloppiness, distractions, comparing ourselves to one another, smack talk or laziness.

“Bock! What was that!? Pay attention! This isn’t just practice! What you do in practice, you’ll do in the game!”

That phrase ran me through college. It compelled me to behave as a working adult before I had the job I was shooting for. It drew my attention to silly habits I knew I couldn’t bring with me. It forced me to confront immature thought patterns. “Is this the kind of person I want to be in the game of life?”

I would hear it on Sunday mornings when I studied late the night before.“I don’t want to go to church early today.” “What you do in practice, you’ll do in the game.”

It would ring in my mind when I was tempted to slack on some commitment I’d made, “What you do in practice, you’ll do in the game.”

It hung over my head when I wanted to be just a little late for class, “What you do in practice…”.

There is something about athletics that forges character. There is no instant gratification. The principles of the game are irrevocable: you will not be great without sacrifice; victory will cost you something; be the one working when everyone else is asleep. Those are principles of greatness we all need for life.

My “education” on the field may have more to do with who I am than any classroom lesson. Because now, when our church is empty, people are with their families and no one is really thinking about church, I love to go sit in the sanctuary. Just like I sat at the field. I run things through in my mind – past moments, victories, defeats. I dream of what will be. I pace the floor with bare feet, knowing the carpet is probably just as familiar with me as I am with it.

I’m in the game now; practice has been over for quite some time.

I want my love for life to be contagious, like a good coach’s love for the game. I want to be that persevering, strength of will, forward-looking, never-letting-up person that compels people to be better than they think they can be. I want to be a person of longevity. Someone who understands that adversity isn’t always the enemy. Not backing down from challenge in any area of my life; making tenacity a hallmark of my character. All the while, hoping this will be reproduced in those closest to me, that they’ll reap the benefits of unseen time I’ve sown…

Fourteen years later, I’m still pretty thankful for what I reaped from JoDonna.