Heritage

I am always so proud of the amazing heritage my mother and grandmother have given me. Yesterday, as I sat at our church's "legacy tea", I was overwhelmed with thoughts of the legacy that's been prepared for me.

Even when I haven't lived up to it. Haven't deserved it. Or had no idea how to walk in such 'big shoes'...awkwardly stumbling, trusting that, one day, they'd fit perfectly. This great heritage has been before me.

It is one of hard labor, gut-wrenching efforts of unrequited love, forgiveness which transcends reason, laughter when circumstances call for grief, faith prayers that make the devil's knees weak, and friendship to all kinds of people from all sorts of places.

My mother and my grandmother have passed these down. I like to think I'm being objective when I say there are no women, past or present, who have been more tenacious. I'm sure you feel the same of your matriarchs. I hope you do.

Yesterday, we celebrated Mother's Day with my husband's family. Through our marriage I have gained a "Granny", though all in our family had passed. And a wonderful mother-in-law who works every day to invest all she has into her children. I have much for which to give thanks.

Today, though, I miss my Mom. She will be celebrating Mother's Day 2100 miles away - with a Mom smiling down on her from heaven and her children and their families living across the country. We worry about each other plenty, so I know that won't help. I simply ask Jesus, who knows no time or space, to bring the sun up on her in a couple hours with peace in her heart and hope filling her soul. After all, we do get to see each other in just 13 days...

Such a perfect day to give honor, praise and thanks to wonderful moms - natural and spiritual! And for some ladies, a very hard day. Whether you're waiting on children of your own, wishing your kids were home with you, praying your child back into the fold, or celebrating around the table with your 'heritage', today is about you. The mothering you do practically and spiritually. You help define the fabric of our culture. You are loved. Appreciated. And seen by God - even into the deepest recesses of your heart.

Thank you...for your investment.

Oh, so, blessed

Today, I woke up after the best night's sleep I've had in weeks (I can give some credit to the Vicodin I received after a little dental work), the sun is shining, and the buzz of summer fills every classroom. My 8th grade students labored intensely over a book report their teacher had them write in class today. And me? I'm inspired by their hard work.

I'm thinking about my own writing and how much I miss it. I'm thinking about their excitement over little things and how everything in their experience seems noteworthy. I appreciate that. It's compelled me to celebrate the little things in my life: an 'A' on a friendship quiz, a 'gold star' for people randomly stopping by and seeing a clean house, my husband turning into a 6th grader, giddy with excitement over "The Avengers".

My parents land in Raleigh in 15 days. Cannot express how much I'm looking forward to that. Today, every time the sun brushes my skin with warmth, a new reason for gratitude comes to mind.

...kids learning about Jesus...

.......dress down day in my favorite jeans.......

...making new friends...

.......Greenville: Zaxby's, Tuesday Morning and Target.......

....knowing there are people all over the country who I love and miss....

...being able to influence the next generation's leaders before they take over the world...

Sometimes the burdens we carry try to drown out the song of gratitude.

Sometimes responsibilities weigh so heavily that progress isn't tangible.

Sometimes all the "have to's" overwhelm the "dreams of".

But when we really take an honest inventory of blessings, we can't help but stand back in humility and say, "Wow. For me? Thank You..."

Oh, so blessed.

My Apologies

I can't say I'll be writing a full post at the moment; I'm typing on my phone actually. So this will be a bit of a mini-blog.

All of my efforts to share life with you in these past few months have been without avail. I just cannot speak. God is doing such deep things (big, not bad, as my husband would say) in my heart right now that I couldn't name you a single person I've been able to articulate them to...an unusual place for a gal like me to be. It's like there are collisions of seismic proportions in my soul. Battles that are attempting to alter my faith, views on family, church, calling and life. And I am being very still, listening for the still small Voice in my hour of chaos.

I have felt unceasingly guilty about this blog. Especially since, before I moved to Askewville, Webb and I were so excited that I'd have more time to write. Right. I've heard bloggers say things like, "someone who leaves
me hanging on their blog feels like an unreturned phone call". And, "I hate when writers go ghost and you hear nothing from them." Yep. That's me. I'll wear the t-shirt for a failure as a blogger. But I do know this - I'm not failing as a wife in my first year of marriage. So, I guess you win some and you lose some.

Webb and I have been dreaming and brainstorming about the next phase of this blog. I can't say that phase will be approaching quickly. But eventually.

Until then, a huge thank you to those of you who stop by here for me, not only for you. I know some of you read so you know how to pray, and especially now, you are a priceless treasure to me.

Thanks...

Honeymooning All Over Again

Webb and I really believe that if we're going to have the marriage we've both always dreamed of, we're going to have to fight for it.

But this weekend and last, it was no contest at all. We have been gifted with hand-crafted moments from Jesus.

Last weekend we had the opportunity to join in on an amazing marriage retreat. Manteo First Assembly really hooked us up: a beachfront beautiful home (beautiful is a vast understatement - in the summer, the house rents for $25,000 a week), two days of learning and growth and a few moments to hang out with my pastors from Florida, Frank and Sheri Hawley. Perfection!

With all the chaos that our wedding/move entailed, we had gotten a little wrapped up in "life" stuff and really needed a break from our routine. My favorite routine-breaking moment happened Saturday morning. Walking along the beach there were no phones ringing. No requests via email. Nothing but the two of us. The crash of the waves and our tender conversation drowned out any potential distractions. And briefly, my husband paused. I thought he was ready to turn back, but instead he reached out for my hand, inviting me to dance. And, just for a few moments, the ocean was our soundtrack as we swayed. Not a care in the world except the smile on each other's face.

We drove home, our romance rekindled, and our hearts refreshed.

It was a just a few short days at work and then, Wednesday night, we were off to spend four days here. We are at Webb's parents river house, in Edenton. This place is so dear to my heart...

This morning, I woke up and "cooked" us breakfast. I make a mean McDonald's sausage, egg & cheese biscuit. And we spent the rest of the day reading, sitting by the water, talking and watching the sunset. Tomorrow, we'll take a day trip to somewhere I've dearly, dearly missed. Macy's has been calling my name and we have a gift card!

But, I want to tell you the reason this place is so special. This is the first place I came with Webb in North Carolina. Tonight, as we sat on the dock, hearing the water lap onto the shore, and staring up at the stars, we realized that it was nearly exactly a year ago, March 5, that we sat on that dock together. Two nights before we made our relationship "official". We sat on the dock flirting and talking - awkwardly at times :) - and for the first time, Webb put his arm around me. The whole world grew a little quieter, or at least it seemed because all I could hear was my heart. Tonight, I sat in his arms again, looking at the same stars and marveling at what Jesus can do in just 12 short months. Everything I had waited for through 26 years.

We had our first kiss in this house. Our first Christmas morning together with his family. And, now, our first "anniversary"ish getaway. Webb's Mom, Laura, dreamed of a house that their family could bless other people with. I wonder if she ever dreamed her son and his wife would be honored recipients of that blessing?

It has been a rich, beautiful day.

A rich and beautiful twelve months which have changed my life completely. And the Lord has shown Himself perfect, strong and personal through every step. He truly sees us, and the desires of our hearts.

A Semi-Wordless Update

Once Upon A Time...

We arrived at the most beautiful, perfect beach house ever made.

No, seriously, it was wonderful.

I relaxed with old friends.

Spent calm moments alone.

Of course brought Sara.

The bride may have possibly eaten more ice cream.

And reclined pensively on plush couches.

Spent time with the most incredible Mommy, exchanging memories.

And exchanged glances with friends who know me so well.

Spent a night like a bachelorette.

Enjoyed a bridal brunch with the most personal, touching elements I could have never expected.

Laughed with 'nother mothers.

Stared at my brother for as long as possible, memorizing his face because I don't see it enough.

Was awed and amazed by the most wonderful friends a girl could ever have.

And ate a beautiful meal.

Rehearsed a ceremony with the sexiest man alive.

In the most intimate and wonderfully decorated banquet hall.

See.

Got to hug sisters from far away. (Gorgeous isn't she?)

Laughed a little too much.

And then it was time to don the dress I dreamed of wearing for 26 years.

Zip it up.

Place the veil.

And shed a tear, because we're finally here, Dad.

Say "farewell" to singleness.

And walk just a few steps on my Dad's arm.

Put my hand in the hand of that man who will hold it evermore.

And smile.

Eat and laugh with the best people in the world.

Run away to a lavish honeymoon in Ft. Lauderdale. What's that? A picture? We uhm, we don't have many. Yeah. So....moving on.

We moved into a perfectly remodeled, wonderfully inviting home that my husband and in-laws spent all their summer months preparing. Thanks Mom Hoggard - you are wonderful in so many ways!

I fell in love with our den.

And the nook in which my table fits so snug and comfortably.

And the black cabinets in my kitchen.

And the mantle my father-in-law hand-crafted for us.

Fall came.

My husband went hunting.

Winter came. And I embraced my loved of scarves all over again.

We put our Christmas tree up, stood back, sighed, and cried together because we waited so many years for that moment.

And here we live, happily every day. (Or at least most parts of every day ;)

A Very "Fragmented" Update

Five and a half months.

That’s how long it’s been since we’ve “talked”. It’s also the length of time since I’ve had my hair cut or colored (gasp). I never had ANY intentions of ceasing to blog. In fact, I have missed it desperately! I also never had intentions of going on my first ever date, falling in love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, resigning my job, getting married, moving and beginning a new job in a new place with new people in SIX MONTHS! So please forgive the unintentional hiatus. I love this blog (and our connection through it) nearly as much as my husband’s truck. And I could make many excuses for my absence: I have no computer, we don’t have internet at home, being a new teacher sucked in my time like a vacuous monster...etc.

Honestly? My heart has been too raw and full of emotion and the chaos of change for me to pen anything that left the comfortable, safe pages of my journal. Not only that, but the immensity and breadth of what I’d love to share with you overwhelms me the moment I sit to share it. Should we talk about getting married after seven years of single adulthood? Maybe being newlyweds in the ministry? Perhaps transition: how to finish well and walk boldly into newness. In time I hope to share ALL these things! However,

a few things I have learned for certain....

Things like: life has no room for perfectionism. I could not finish my job perfectly, become perfect before I walked down the aisle, plan the perfect wedding, be a perfect teacher on my first day, and I'm certainly far from a perfect (or Proverbs 31) wife. (Did that woman lose consciousness at the age of 29? I have no idea how she did what she did. I wish she wouldn't have at times; she feels like that big sister and I hear a consistent nagging from my own soul, "why can't you be more like...?".)

The core of all life is generosity and selflessness. If I live each day wondering how much I can give, I never have to think about what I'll get. And what comes back is far more than I could have "gotten".

A lot of change is big, not bad. My husband coined this little phrase to help me through the past few months. "Big, not bad, Amanda. It's a huge mountain to climb. But I'm with you." All the little changes amount to one, large, earth-moving, heart-wrenching, seismic shift. And he has understood that so well. He's been patient while I've cried, mourned even, because so many things will never be the same. BIG, big things. And very small, seemingly insignificant things. It's be a few weeks since a good cry, so two were in order today. One when I saw some girls shopping together on a TV show. As they "ooo!"ed and "nice!"ed one girl's outfit, tears welled up in my eyes. I miss my girls. Then, listening to Pandora as I type this, a Publix ad ran. My settings still say "33884" and, I have to be honest, I can't bring myself to change it yet! I miss Publix; I don't like Food Lion. So much change at once is disorienting. Single to married. Pastor to pastor's wife. Administrator to teacher. Warm to cold. But every one of these is big, not bad. And I've learned to embrace my new role(s). Blessed are the flexible, right?

India Arie has a song called "I Am Not My Hair". It's been six months since my hair was cut. Eight since it was colored. Five since I had my nails done. Six months since I browsed through Macy's. I've had a major wardrobe shift for work. I used to wear jeans to work every day. Now, I wear dress slacks five days a week for work and three times a week to church. I have two pairs of dress pants. One. Two. Talk about a limited wardrobe for a girl who enjoys fashion. BUT. I am not my hair...or my clothes...or my nails...and, I've been forced to rediscover my true identity and be at peace with myself all over again. Big, not bad.

Maintenance must be done. Laundry. Papers to grade. House to clean. Family and friends to keep up with. Date nights. Grocery shopping. Church events. PTO meetings. Bills to check on. Errands to run. If I do a little of every, single thing every, single day, nothing has the opportunity to smother me. My husband has taught me this well. He seldom spends "unproductive" time. TV shows are opportunities to sort mail. The last ten minutes before sleep is a moment to catch up on reading material. A spare moment at the office is time to collect sermon thoughts for the next one. He's good at using time. And he challenges me. So, today after work we picked up needed items at Wal Mart, ate dinner, worked out, *blogged (while he writes a sermon for tomorrow morning), and then we'll do a little reading together. Maintenance makes life much more bearable. As one of my professors told me, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

And there's no fire anywhere. Yes, we've been married for more than two weeks. And both of my sisters-in-law just had babies. Wonderful, cuter-than-anybody-else-not-related-to-us babies. BUT! Webb and I are still trying to decide if we'll buy two loaves of bread for the rest of our lives, one white and one wheat. (Though we've settled the milk issue...2% it is.) And we're aware there's only so long that you get to be a tiny, tiny bit selfish. So, we plan to wait a while. Unless Jesus interrupts those plans! Which we would happily embrace (while we also 'embraced the grace' needed for that moment. Yikes!).

Most of all, God is faithful and you can trust Him. Things change. God does not. He doesn't lie. He doesn't change His mind. And through every season, He's my constant. I may not feel like myself at times: I'm not doing what I use to, I'm not dressing like I did, I'm not with who I was. Nearly everything has changed. But the same song I sang to Him six months ago still resonates in my spirit. The same scriptures that enveloped me with comfort scroll through my heart. He is forever.

More to come...I wish I could say when! But I can say, it won't be five months!