Headed "Home" - A Very Relative Term.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."

All day long. Awake, asleep - at work, at home. Today, it's really all I can think of. And not for myself. Today my heart is heavy watching those I love struggle, hurt and endure. And, where I would shield them all day if I could. And I would gather them into my arms, I realize my arms aren't long enough. My vision is not broad enough. My presence is not strong enough. I...am not God. I cannot "keep" those around me.

One of my friends said recently, "human love will always disappoint." And it finally hit home. No one's love is like God's. And though I have learned to look to Him for my love. My security. I trespass His sovereignty when I let others look to me for their safety. Or when I am foolishly proud enough to think I can be that love for someone. Keep them safe. It gives me a glimpse into the struggle parents have handing their kids lives to God. They want to care for them, take care of all theirs needs and make them happy. But they know in their hearts they cannot. And that beloved child must rest secure in God - the God who shields him all day long.

Kind of heavy - but it's what I'm thinking.

We're leaving today to drive to West Virginia! And I'm so excited to take a trip with my best friend. We need this time. But, driving into the past really feels like traveling back in time. And sometimes, going down that road (literally) is painful. I spent 17 years in West Virginia. And, honest to the Lord never really liked being there. I'm so glad God released me! But there's something about the place where you were raised that just gets deep into your soul. It's so bittersweet. Watching home videos in your mind and knowing that even the painful moments really have been used for your good. And that I emerged from the time spent there with treasures of friendship, family and identity that no one can mess with.

A couple years ago my Pastor spouted off a phrase that left an indellible impression me. Just in the middle of conversation, as she so often does (like one of those crazy preachers who actually live what they preach), she left me with a bit of wisdom that will serve me for a lifetime. "You can afford to be generous," she said to me as I left for one of my many college breaks. "God has been lavishly generous with you and you can afford to be generous."

I tuck that in my heart every time I head to Fairmont, WV. I can afford huge efforts and displays of generosity because I have received such ridiculously overwhelming love from God. Yep.

We can all afford it.

I'm Grateful.

"It's been a hard year; I'm climbing out of the rubble. These lessons were hard and healing changes were subtle." - Sara Groves.

I love that song, Less Like Scars. It's kind of the epitome of the last two years for me. I felt a definite shift in my spirit last month and I know the atmosphere around me has changed. The past two years have been full of opposition. They have been absolutely beautiful and invaluable. But very difficult - like walking in waist-deep water. And the shift to this new season is disorienting! Have you ever gotten off of a trampoline and tried to jump? Or out of a pool and feel you're still in water? Kind of like that. I have to keep remembering that God has changed this season; everything is not as it was.

But you know what - even through two difficult years, my heart has been overflowing with gratitude. For favor and friendship and a faithful and loving God. My precious friend got me a keepsake box last year. The top of it is inscribed with the verse, "There is a time for everything...a time to laugh, a time to grieve..." etc. But, embossed over the verse in big, bold, gold lettering is the word "LAUGH". Every time I look at that box I feel like my life has been encapsulated and all the affairs of it could be contained in that box. That just is me - life will go on, people will walk in and out, jobs will come and go, tears will run and doors will burst open and slam shut - but, in all of this, just laugh! Whenever I find the humor in something, I find a way to be thankful. I'm convinced humor is one of God's most precious commodities.

Pastor Clarence from Virginia Beach once said, "If you can't think of how to pray, just sit down and find ten things to thank God for." Let me tell you, this will get you praying! So...here's my big ten. The first that come to mind.

1. My family. What would life be - where would I be - without them? I'm especially thankful to have my grandmother with me for another holiday season.
2. A sense of purpose in my life. It's good to feel I have something to accomplish.
3. My education - formal and not. Wayne Cordeiro says there are two ways to learn: bruises and mentors. And, choosing the latter has made my life such a beautiful journey.
4. My job. I have the best job ever! Complete with plenty of opportunities to watch the hand of God move.
5. Friendships that far exceed expectations and dreams. My "lifers".
6. Troubles that have built my strength and faith.
7. Adopted parents - icing.
8. The opportunity to see miraculous provision.
9. LAUGHTER! Often and loud. And the people who encourage it - willfully or not.
10. Expectancy.

Things and other stuff

Riding in the car the other day, my friend asked, "Aren't you scared?"

She's centerstage, about two rows back, watching my life right now. And I laughed at the question. After a deep, very satisfying sigh, I responded, "What else? I mean, really. Why be afraid? What can happen?" Life is constant - not consistent, but constant. Good and bad. Ups and downs. And I have learned that my response should be relative to God's activity and presence in my life, not the events surrounding me. Whom (what) shall I fear?

There are always the unmentionable horrors of life to fear and agonize over: a natural disaster wiping out your most treasured memories or possessions, a terrorist attack threatening precious freedom, the loss of loved ones. And I am cautious. But I know that God tells me not to worry, for what will worry accomplish? And so I place these heart-issues in the hand of God. Only to very slyly snatch them back to "take care of them" myself? Do I think I'm doing God some sort of favor when I do that? No way! I'm doing myself a favor; giving myself all the control I can.

God's brought me to a deeper level that demands my hands be empty so that they can fully worship Him. I'm trying to scrub the adhesive from my palms that so easily picks up the details of my life and makes them mine again. I realize I don't have time. And, if I want to take no rest and give God no rest, I'll not have energy to grapple with the things of my life which I cannot control.

It's quite a comical juggling act to watch, making Cirque du Soleil look like child's play. But, more and more, God beckons me to look around my messy room and see what else I can clear out and make His possession. Let's see...

My Bubble

Well, it's been a while huh? Don't worry avid fragments readers...it is not you alone that I have neglected. It's not a selective process. People who know me even a little joke about my 'bubble' but it's a very real thing. I love my personal space. I like being lost in God by myself. Love the thoughts that are only mine. And I love to be alone. Don't get me wrong. I'm aware I need others and I value my beautiful friends more than I can express. But there's just something about closing myself in for a bit. Hence the lack of blogging. My thoughts and my journey right now is not something I'm prepared to share. With anyone yet. Is that wrong? I mean, I'm usually chatty Cathy about life. But right now...I'm just doing my thing. By myself. And waiting on the next step. I'm not sure why I'm so reluctant to be open, I really believe there are seasons where God does something so deeply in our lives that involving others is an interruption. That's how it feels. Like an ongoing A and B conversation with not a lot of room for others to be chiming in. So, there you go. I'm lost in my bubble for a while so I'm not sure the next time you'll hear from me. :) just remember that when God calls you deeper you really should go even if it means leaving everyone else behind a minute.

Oh, living the life.

There are many times in my life when I relish being single. Like any time that I lay down to take a nap and I think to myself, "Thank the Lord I don't have children right now; there won't be much of this napping when that happens." Or this morning, as I walked into my bathroom and chuckled because on the floor was a pair of high heels, my purse a pile of clothes and on the counter lay a towel and everything I had used to make my hair look as hot as it always does. :) Oh the life of a bachelorette. Isn't it beautiful? I leave when I want, come back when I feel like it, do whatever I want when I want. I'm sure marriage will be full of many more blessings than this, but I write it down simply so that everyone knows I will be fully aware of what I am relinquishing when I take someone's hand, one day :)

I had lunch with someone on Sunday who spent about ten years as a single woman in the ministry. Happily married now, she was so encouraging to me. I know there will be many things about ministry that get more complicated and complex with marriage. But to be single in ministry is something I'm not sure you can really understand unless you're there. There's this feeling that you're accomplishing a fifth of what you know is possible because you're missing a team member. And you know that the synergy that happens when two become one in ministry is unmatched in any sort of sports team or business group. But it's so beautiful to know that God has infused this moment with purpose. And the fifth of what I feel I'm accomplishing is dense and deep and not simply "done". It has such love and such pain behind it that no person can fully comprehend. And that fact creates an intimacy with Christ that surpasses closeness with any person(s). The God who sees me. Really sees me.

Our Pastor spoke Sunday about the fact that whatever we hold out is what is returned to us. If we hold out love it, generally, comes back as love. Hate as hate. Bitterness as bitterness. If we hold back relationship, it doesn't usually come running to us. And I have been deeply challenged in my heart to hold out love and to hold out relationship. The Bible tells us that, "he who wants a friend should show himself friendly." Though I have been very cautious. And I haven't held out relationship, true intimacy, for many people. I have recently come through a set of circumstances that showed me what I've been afraid of all this time. And yes, it hurts. Badly. And it brings up other things about my life and my past that I have glibbly slid by with until now. But, those same circumstances have served to leave me raw and open for God to work on some things I've been keeping Him from. And He's so faithful to make everything worth it. He really doesn't waste anything.

That's what's good.

Yep. I'm inconsistent. :)

Well, this weekend was pretty much amazing. I got to spend some much needed time by myself (which I felt like hadn't happened in about 6 months, and maybe it hasn't). It was like a breath of fresh air. I slept in, read, leafed through magazines, browsed car lots and dreamed and went to the park. Solo. Sigh...it was beautiful.

Well, I ended up going out to Bok Sanctuary in Lake Wales on Saturday. It cost 10 bucks to get into that place! I forked it over and thought, "this better be frikin good, lady." And as I drove the 1.7 miles into the actual gardens, I honestly felt like I was leaving everyone behind. It was great. I could hear everyone's voices that are typically right at my shoulders just drift off into the thick, humid air and be gone. And, finally, after six months, I exhaled. My shoulders resumed their proper placement much further away from my ears than they have been setting. My chest loosened. My headache ceased to bother me. And I looked up. I hadn't seen anything in a few months but my own feet as the plowed through the mess of my life. But today, I saw the world around me and it wasn't full of people telling me what to do or what they need. Just me. And Jesus. And He didn't really require much of me in that moment. Just sheer presence which was all I could offer, anyway.

My personality test says, and I quote, "Sometimes making meaningful conversation feels like very hard work." This is after a long diatribe about how I'm not an especially open person and I only let a few people into my life and I should try to be more sensitive to others (I am also, by the way, very "domineering" and "forceful" ;) Well, taking all this into account, it's totally obvious why I have been so overwhelmed. It's pretty true, what that personality profile says. I wish I could dismiss it. But, at the end of a couple serious conversations, I'm totally wiped out. Funny, huh?

Well, as I read through the history of Bok Tower and Gardens, it says that Mr. Bok (in 1930-something) had the tower constructed and sanctuary made as "a repose for the soul". And I laughed at how nice it must have been to be so wealthy. You're tired and need a place for rest? Have a place specially constructed and designated for your rest, whatever you find most peaceful and calming: acres and acres of land covered with flora and fauna and a 200 foot tower with an elaborate scene of the Garden of Eden displayed in its construction and hymns which ring out at various times in the day. Must be nice, huh?

What would you build? Where would you build? How often would you "repose"? Rick Warren says that a minister who will be of any use for any length of time must "Divert Daily, Withdraw Weekly and Abandon Annually". <-- Absolutely, 100% true.

I'm getting a little better at that. Specifically the abandoning part. I usually have not been abe to just "drop" something and get away. But now, I can drop it like a hot potato and run as soon as I have a green light. Love it.

So that's about all for this wonderful weekend. I think I'll be in pretty good shape with another 7 days just like that one.

Happy Birthday...

Well, today, my good friend turns 25. We've been through a lot together lately: a tough move, tough decisions, both of us being sick, things being rough financially, relationships being messy. It's been an intense year. Last week, I turned 24, on the 5th of July. This week, she turns 25. And with these birthdays, we begin a new year.

Birthdays don't have to be big to me, but they have to be sincere, genuine. They are important to me because they mark the new year. Even more than January first. Because it's my new year. Well, because our birthdays are around the same time, for my good friend and I, this will be our new year. Another year of opportunity.

It's funny, friendship. Great friends are often like optional family members. Unless, well, unless it's just different and they feel just like family. Those are the once in a lifetime friends. The kind that are they whether they want to be or not. It's not an option for us in some friendships. And I'm so thankful that God has gifted me with opportunities to have 'family friends'. Especially being so far from family.

Someone was talking recently about not wanting to really show affection, especially physical, because of a deep-seeded fear of rejection. I can totally understand that. But for me, I have such a difficult time showing affection or love because I don't want people to know they're important to me. Sick, I know. But if they know they matter, then they know they can hurt me. And I really don't trust them not to hurt me, so I never tell them I care. That way, if I get hurt, I can act like I didn't and I never have to face it. Now that, that is one cracked-up cookie.

God's bringing me past that; he's using my family-friends. It's extremely uncomfortable but so very necessary. I'm not a hugger. I'm not a tell-you-how-I-feeler. But I'm learning that the people who love you most, who love you genuinely, will hug you and speak love into your life even when you're not exactly capable of returning the favor.

That's for real.

f r a g m e n t s . . .

Most of us have thoughts en medias ras; they come and they pass with little or no acknowledgement. Thoughts we have in the middle of our day which are too "weighty" or "real" to share with anyone. They're so out of place in the middle of our treasured monotony and superficiality.

The tragedy? Some of these are our very best thoughts. Our God-thoughts. Thoughts that could change our world. They drift in and blow away like fall leaves, never held closely enough to consider their worth. Their origin. Their destination. They're just fragments of what could become dreams realized or lives changed...

So, the point of this blog? (Which is so not "me" by the way.) To give a voice to some of these fragments and maybe see them come to fruition. Maybe see them accumulate into a story instead of a conglomeration of useless modicum.

I often wonder how many of us really share many of our thoughts. Not our observations or trivial notes. Our thoughts: hopes, dreams, prayers, revelations. I know I am far deeper than my life gives me room to express. Take this for example: I haven't been feeling well at all lately, rather nauseous and getting a lot of headaches (pretty uncommon for a hearty kid with few health dilemmas). But something about being sick makes me feel like I'm actually living my life because I feel it affecting me, whether positively or negatively. Talk about sick. I'm probably alone in that, but there are times when I am so numb and unresponsive that, when my body cues me to address a situation, I'm incredibly thankful. I have a tendency to run through my life so fast and think of everything but myself so much that my body finally says, "HELLO! Handle this..."

Saturday morning I had an incredible opportunity to sit with a group of ladies who are all chasing Jesus. We sat over a beautiful breakfast and talked about things I had hoped I would be able to say. It was so exciting. But as I sit and listened to hopes that just developed followed up by dreams that seemed crushed for the moment, it was comforting to think of the God of these situations. The God that has orchestrated every piece and will deliver the righteous from all of their trouble; self-inflicted or not.

when I think of my life lately I'm drawn to the story of Hagar, in Genesis. As she flees her situation, angry, embarrassed, reluctant and disappointed, God finds her beside the water. I always used to sit beside the rivers or creeks back in West Virginia and hear the Lord so clearly. and that's what happened to Hagar. She said that surely she had heard from "The God who sees me,". That's the name she gave God. That's one of my favorite names for God. So kind, so simple. He sees me. When everyone else flies by, a million miles an hour, with no idea what's going on in my life at all, He is and will always be the God who sees me. And He waits patiently for me to turn to Him to share these issues of life, these fragments, and let my soul be satisfied within His response.

He's kind of a big deal...