in the testing

The moment you're really tested - the treasured is stripped from you, your reputation is smeared, you best efforts fail in what feels like every area - the moment you're tempted to believe that God has targeted you for some sort of galactic "whooping"...remember this truth.

He could have left you alone.

what's in a name?

I hated the bus ride to and from school as a kid. And, to be honest, as a teenager! Boarding the bus, especially in the afternoon, was great reason for sweaty palms, heart-pounding panic, and nearly teeth-chattering fear. I wish I were exaggerating!

The bus was a free zone:  no teachers, no monitors...just sixty kids and a forty-five minute free-for-all of cursing, intimidating, fighting, and downright meanness. Some days you were the intimidator, other days the intimidated.

Most days, I was the intimidated. I tried to be quite and invisible until someone chose me as a target. And even then, I'd wait as long as I could until I stood up for myself. One time, a girl stood in my face yelling curse words at me for quite some time before I finally stood up and yelled back at her. She slapped me and knocked me back into my seat. I didn't get back up. But, I was kicked off the bus for three days while she went on with her tormenting discipline-free. Lesson learned? Just stay quiet.

(My parents didn't discipline me for my bus suspension, by the way. The sentiment I got from them was almost as if they put my on their shoulders and paraded me around, proud of the fact that I hadn't gotten into a hair-snatching, face-scratching, out-and-out battle with this girl. They just drove me to school for three days, without complaint.)

I always dreaded school. From kindergarten through twelfth grade. Many of my interactions there were very hard on such a sensitive kid. Consequently, I had a horrible view of myself. I believed far too much of what was said to me or about me. I soaked it in. By high school, I was despondent I'd ever be worth anything or ever be accepted. I was more than despondent, I was depressed.

I felt God didn't see me or know what I was going through. I searched Scripture and was comforted by the fact that He, too, was despised and rejected. But that still didn't make me feel loved and valued. It just let me know I was in Good company.

My junior year, when a friend traveled to England, he returned with a gift for me. It meant a lot that he thought about me in his travels. But what meant more was the lesson I learned from his gift. He gave me a tea cup. It would be about eight years before I embraced a love of hot tea, so I was a bit confused. But when I read the cup, I knew it had been carefully selected. It said, "Amanda, your name means, 'Worthy of Love', and you can say that again!"

Worthy of love. I had no idea. No clue that the name I carried - the name that had become synonymous with shame and humiliation, actually said over me each time it was spoken what God was crying out for me to hear, "I love you, I love you. I made you beautiful. I made you worthy to be admired, loved, by others. By Me." Worthy of love, with your frizzy hair, bountiful hips, lack of braces, and offbeat sense of humor. Worthy of love regardless of what small-minded folks may say. Worthy of love because He declared it over me. Even my enemies unknowingly declared that I was loved when they spoke my name. How awesome is that!?

That's how the Lord got to me. Every verse I memorized about His love set the stage. And each person who demonstrated care and love toward me watered the seed. But God used an even smaller, more common thing, to say, "Amanda, I love you. You." God starting a soul-healing work in me through a tea cup which sits in my cabinet still today. He has continued that work, and He will finish it.

And that work is part of the reason we have taken, are taking, so much time to name our son! His name will proclaim over him all the days of his life what we feel is important for him to know. It will speak of his calling, his God, his identity. So, to us, a name is not just a name, but an opportunity to speak life over our boy every time we call his name.

What shall it be!? Well, we will certainly have to decide before we take him home from the hospital! And when he decides to grace us with his presence, we will declare his wonderful, magnanimous name to the whole world! Our Fragments family included.

--------

If you don't know the meaning of your name, give Google a holler and find out! I've actually used babynames.com a lot, even pre-pregnancy to find the meaning of names. (MANY are accurate. But, for some, I had to do a little more research.)

Waves

I was prepared for waves of nausea, fatigue, and something that varied from discomfort to pain for a full 40 weeks. No doubt crescendoing at the end.

I was not at all, however, prepared for wave upon wave of emotion - crashing on one another and making it difficult to get footing between assails. High tide, low tide. Thrill. Panic.

....

Monday night, as Webb and I left work, we planned to run some errands. We were headed about twenty minutes away, to Wal Mart, when I asked, "Babe...do you think we could eat at Longhorn? It just sounds really, really good to me."

"I don't mind, but that's an hour away. You are realizing that means our entire night will be out and about, right?"

"I do. I know. It just sounds really, really good right now. And not many things do."

He sighed a bit, but smiled, "Sure. Longhorn it is."

My husband. Such a gracious husband to moody, unsatisfiable, pregnant woman.

As we neared the next town though, I threw out another request, "But babe, we have an hour drive and it's going to be an hour and a half before we eat. And I'm hungry now...really hungry..."

"Ok?"

"Can we just drive through McDonald's here on the way?" I suggested it like this is something normal people do - pre-dinner dinner.

"Let me make sure I'm right," he clarified. "You want to drive through for a cheeseburger, and then you want to eat a steak?"

"I know! But I'm just so hungry! I haven't eaten since 8:00 this morning!"

"Amanda. That's a little bit crazy. It won't take long to get there, I promise."

And the quick-approaching McDonald's was on our left, and then it was in the rearview mirror.

He drove by it. And I, instead of contenting my heart with the steak I would eat in just a bit, BURST into tears. Not teared up, or was just disappointed. No. BROKE into SOBBING.

"Oh my gosh!!" the shocked man in the seat beside me slammed on brakes, swerved into the turn lane, and made a beeline for McDonald's.

"I didn't realize it was this serious! You just want a cheeseburger, right?" he asked with slight panic in his voice.

"Yes..." I uttered between sobs.

..."And a small fry."...

At that, laughter broke the tension of the moment just a bit. I heard how ridiculous I sounded and started cracking up. And he laughed, knowing I was completely out of control and I knew it.

"Can I get a mighty kids meal, with a Diet Coke, please?" he requested.

I sat beside him crying, apologizing and thanking, "I'm sorry! But thank you. I'm sorry!"

When I offered him some fries or a bite of burger, he shook his head like, "Take food from a lion? What kind of idiot does that?"

And we laughed. And an hour later I ate four ounces of steak and a baked potato. Could have eaten more.

I wasn't at all prepared for these waves. Tears at the slightest thing. And I certainly thought if I had navigated the first trimester without any of this, it surely wasn't coming for me. I would make it through pregnancy unscathed! False.

But I am so thankful for such a wonderful husband. I tell him every single day, "You are the most amazing husband any pregnant woman could have. You know that, right?" To which he often replies, "I do know that," with a smirk on his face.

But why all the waves? Why the crashing down of thrill, panic, sadness, excitement, worry, anticipation...one right after the other?

Now more than ever I need the peace only He gives. His joy - a calm delight. And yet every offer He extends, I refuse. If I am to receive peace, I must forego my striving. I must settle my agenda. I, with no exceptions, must surrender - exchanging myself and my plans for true, lasting peace.

This is the peace I've prayed over our son. The reason his nursery is decorated in neutral, calm colors. The reason I often pat my belly and speak softly and reassuringly to him. The very peace that I want him to have more than almost anything else.

And yet, I expect myself to pass on something I am refusing for myself. My son will not simply, "Do as I say." I know this. He will take his cues from who I am. He will walk the way I walk. I cannot pass on what I do not hold.

"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to hold your peace."

Picture it - He hands us peace and says, "Hold this. I'll be right back." And that is our only job. To hold it, ponder it, let it feel at home in our hands.

Today, that is your only job. Forget all the rest of it. He only looked at you and said, "Hold this. I'll do the rest." You must, if you don't do anything else, clutch it. Don't let your hands be so full of all else that you have to let go of the one thing that will help you endure all that otherness.

That's what I'm speaking to myself today. "No matter the wave, wrap yourself around the peace. Though you tumble through the water, unable to distinguish up from down, cling to the peace. For this is only a wave. It has an end. And what you hold does not. It is inexhaustible."

"He will fight for you. You need only to hold your peace."

      (Photo credit:  Ann Voskamp)

making room

Friday afternoon when I came home, I decided to start on Baby H's room. "Decorating already?" you may ask. Nope, not decorating! The room we intend to be Baby's room has been our storage room for two years. Storage. Which, in my world, usually means, "I have no idea where to put this. Throw it in that room and shut the door so I don't have to think about it." 

Old clothes, winter clothes, hubby's hunting clothes, our luggage, keepsakes, pictures, books, tools, extra furniture, kitchen supplies, Christmas decorations, and old TV, workout equipment that I (intend to) use - and a partridge in a stinking pear tree. 

My first task was to pull everything out of the room to see what was actually in there. And I thought, "It's just one room. I could probably finish this before Webb gets home this evening." 

Yeah. I thought I could handle this... 

...and more, in three hours. 

What I hadn't thought about was the fact that everything in that room had something to do with every. other. room. in our house. And what began with "organizing a room," turned into, "rearranging every room, closet, nook, and cranny in our home". 

But! The final result made my heart smile with anticipation...

(Sorry about the graininess - it's a panorama that didn't go quite as planned.)

I've decided to do Baby's room in all neutrals. White crib, gray bedding, white dresser, pale walls.

Webb's and my life is fast-paced, on the run, and at times we bear some stress from the (most-of-the-time beautiful) work the Lord has called us to. (I know none of you has met an overwhelmed pastor, right?) Well, with that being the case, I try to make every part of our home a peaceful place. I don't bring a laptop or iPad in the bedroom to work. We try to cover our home with prayer and serenity. And I wanted that same feeling in Baby's room. He or she will have plenty of noise and color every other moment of the day. I hope this nursery will be a place of true peace for them. 

The chaos that ensued in our home after I tore that room apart reminded me of a spiritual truth. 

Often, we close the door to a certain part of our hearts; we're reluctant to let Jesus work in there. We know each thing He puts His finger on will lead to some other part of our hearts we need to release to Him. If He points out our problem of offense, we will most likely be led to confront our pride. If He shows us our unwillingness to give, we will likely have to confront our fear of poverty - our ultimate distrust of Him. Let Him expose our dislike for a person; He'll often lead us to that same trait in ourselves. 

But that is true discipleship - nothing withheld, no door locked, no part of us unscathed by His purifying fire. 

Open the door, today. Let Him start the cleaning out process you may have been avoiding. 

The peace and beauty to follow will be worth it. 

______________________________________________________

We have one week until we (hopefully!) will find out if Baby H is a lady or a gentleman! We are so excited - can't wait to share the news with you. 

soul care - take time to replenish

"If you really want me to. But, if I go with you, you better hear me saying, 'I love you desperately much,' through every minute of that event."

That was my response when my husband asked me to attend a reunion for our university last week, an evening occasion inviting every person from every class who ever graduated from Southeastern University.

Nothing sounds more daunting to me than walking around "mingling" for two hours and making small-talk with about 500 of my (totally not) closest friends. I used to think I just wasn't a "people person". And I wondered why the Lord would call someone like that to ministry. What was He thinking!?

But then, I realized I absolutely love people! I just like to enjoy them one at a time, with real, deep, meaningful conversations. I sincerely enjoy spending relaxed, quality time with one or two people who know me (and I know) well.  And finally, I discovered, I'm an introvert! I love people AND I love being alone! During my twenties, my greatest fear when thinking about marriage was that I'd never be alone again. Which was very difficult to understand when coupled with my lasting and persistent desire to be married.

My weakness? A large room, full of people I only sort of know. I've learned to cope; I'm quite used to "working a room" now. I can put the brave face on, meet and greet, hold conversations, and have a few laughs. But, I have a limit. One hour or two of that sort of interaction, and I feel like I've worked a 12 hour day and I want a cup of coffee and a nap!

Crazy, I know. And if you're an extravert, you're probably tempted to think, "You're pitiful." I applaud your people-given energy! In fact, I need you in my life so much I married one of you! He balances me out. Especially in moments where he pushes me to go to a reunion and actually enjoy myself.

The truth is, if you're an introvert, you often don't fit the mold. Meeting new people might be anxiety-laden, making small-talk is laborious, and the daily grind can be more tiring for you than for those who get energy from being with others. Our world is busy. And, no matter how contrary it feels, we all will spend more time out-and-about, socializing, than we will spend doing what feels natural - being alone and traveling the deep recesses of our souls while reflecting.

So, introvert, you've got to be especially diligent about replenishing. Replenishment is important for every soul God created. It's a part of soul-care. And I got some great information from a few ladies in ministry while in Florida last week that I was so excited to share with you.

Here're a few ideas for replenishing the tank:

Get in the Word.

Nothing will refresh a depleted soul like the salve of God's words to us. Get your coffee (or tea), close the door (even if you only have 5-10 minutes), and breathe in His words. 

Do something different. 

Break from your norm a minute! Stroll a store (alone, of course;). Drive a different way home or make a loop. Walk a new trail. Get out of the routine and reflect somewhere new.

Take a personal retreat

Do that thing most people around you would consider torture. It's been 5 or 6 years since I did this, but GO AWAY! By yourself! My first experience was forced. My best friends actually picked me up at work, blindfolded me, drove me an hour, and dropped me at a resort. Bag packed, separate vehicle left behind for my use. And nothing but Jesus, me, a journal, and a pool for 24 hours. Perfect. (Sidenote - if you know an introvert who seems particularly overwhelmed, this may be just the ticket to ease the load!)

Talk to a friend.

Sometimes, just telling the story from beginning to end and hearing a fresh perspective will lift your heart and make room for the next thing. And even if nothing sounds more daunting or intimidating than trying to say what's swirling in your heart, give it a shot with one of those friends you know just "gets" you. No worries if it takes you a while to get to the point.

Get serious about taking these opportunities - it's not likely anyone will just hand them to you. And, if you take them often enough, you'll enjoy living, loving, and serving so much more! And, let's be honest, you'll probably be a little more enjoyable yourself!  

When Your Heart Surprises You

We have traveled our hearts out this summer, and we're not done yet! I definitely enjoy being on the road, seeing new places, and hugging family and friends. But I must say, I'm ready to be home for a while! Webb and I came home late a few nights ago, and I stood in our kitchen and said, "Man this house is so cute and cozy! We should totally move in here..." We laugh as much as we can.

Last week, during one of our road trips, I rushed into the gas station bathroom. (My bladder is not as patient as it was pre-pregnancy!) I realized the only feasible stall to use was still quite untidy, but I took my chances. Leaving, I saw beside the toilet a toilet brush and the urge hit me to really quickly clean the throne for the next person. Just scrub a little and wipe it down a bit. (And then of course scald my hands with water the temperature of 1000 white, fiery suns.)

But, I resisted the urge and gathered my purse, thinking, "The next person in here wouldn't even know how it was before. They wouldn't appreciate what I did for them. And the worker probably doesn't even care it's dirty. Why bother?"

I immediately felt shame flood my heart, rise up my neck, and blush my face. I was shocked at the reality of my motives. To be seen, to be appreciated, to be known as good. "Where is my servant heart?" I thought, "What have I become?"

It used to be my joy to perform unseen, unknown acts of service - A distant quality of our Father. All the fun was lost if someone knew it was me! What great excitement to serve someone in a way they didn't know they needed. I loved knowing that whoever I was serving could just receive - never feel obligated to repay, return the favor, or adequately thank someone.

And now here I am, wondering why I would serve in anonymity. I was surprised at my heart, and ashamed of its immaturity.

God whispered to my defiled conscience, "The true measure of servanthood is serving anonymously, serving those who won't know to thank you, serving those who may never respect or value you or what you do, and serving for an audience of One. Are you still my servant, Amanda? Or do you need more? Is the title "servant" enough for you? Or do you need others to praise you, appreciate you, applaud your efforts and 'selflessness'? Can you serve Me with gladness, know I see you, and be content with that?"

"I can, Lord. You know I can. Help me return to my first Love, and restore humility to my heart. I am sorry."

When your heart surprises you, it's time to let Jesus mold it over again. It's a potter/clay moment. We are given a distinct choice:  submit and grow, or resist and diminish. If we choose to grow, He'll give the grace to do it.

I Can't Wait

“You’ll teach me of hearts and dreams and all the most important things and all that I have lost along the way. 

And I can’t wait.” Sara Groves

I have so many things to learn. Glaring deficits of character, good habits by the wayside and bad ones in hand, and a penchant to speak my mind when silence would benefit us all. 

But I hold so much in my heart I can’t wait to bestow! Love, joy, peace, patience...though there are days in short supply...He gives new every morning and I can’t wait to share them. 

I keep hearing, “Well, you’ll understand when you have kids,” and, “You just wait until you can’t remember the last full night’s sleep you had,” or, “enjoy having nice things in your house now.” But the words are muffled and I just can’t bring myself to care! Right now, I am far too excited to share life with you to care about the parts of life you will change.

Let me tell you a little about your family...

We have big faith, huge dreams, and the biggest God. We are short on criticism and long on praise. We worry a little too much. Some days, we’re messy. We choose to believe the best about each other. We forgive. And, in the midst of that, we try to take Jesus way more seriously than we ever take ourselves. 

Your room will be ready soon. Your Dad insists you love the Redskins...so I'm hunting for a jersey or a cheerleader's uniform, guess you'll let me know in about a month which to pick (and, though I've pondered making your first receiving blanket a black and gold terrible towel, a happy marriage will likely make a better home for you). I hope you love words as much as I do and music as much as your Daddy. I hope your love for Jesus doubles both of ours. 

And when I meet you sometime in January, remember that I will need you to teach me just as many things as I teach you.

“How do you sleep so peacefully?

How do you trust unflinchingly?

How do you love so faithfully?

How do you dance so joyfully?

Oh you'll teach me,

Of hearts and dreams,

And all the most important things,

And all that I have lost along the way,

I can’t wait.”

the trap

"The fear of man's opinion is disabling..." 

Proverbs 29:25

I am incapable of making sincere decisions. Ones that I live out from my heart.

Unable to express the joy God has put in my soul.

Afraid of speaking His truth.

Disabled. Broken.

Why? Because what if they think the worst? What if they assume my motives are impure? What if they judge me? Gossip about me? Drag my reputation through the mud?

What if? They will. They have. They do.

You know how it feels - your best act of love rejected, your sincerest intentions questioned, your most vulnerable moment thrown in your face.

It breaks, binds, and suffocates. And I allow it to. Why?

Because, when the truth is told, I'm more afraid of man's opinion than I am of losing God's favor. I'm more intimidated by the daunting eyes and words of others' judgment than I am worried about the complete loss of myself. And that's what happens when I cower to, bow before, the opinion of men. I lose sight of Jesus; I lose any understanding of who He made me to be.

What a miserable place to live - in the fear of man.

Today, my parents were visiting with us for just a brief time. We sat at the table to eat breakfast and my dad said, "Let me share a Scripture with you, Amanda." I put my fork down, sensing the holiness of the moment.

"God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Tim. 1:7

And though I've heard those words so many times...

This morning, I heard him to say, "God has not given you a spirit of the fear of people..."

Some time ago, I was a confident, undaunted twenty-something who wasn't afraid to be sincere. Didn't hesitate to let you behind the scenes. And didn't worry if you didn't like what you saw. 

But the enemy knows the best way to snare us, to trap us. The quickest way to disable us. So, just a few naysayers, critics, judges, and haters and suddenly I'm in the corner, throwing in the towel, and looking for the best way to get out of the ring and give up forever. 

I think Jesus had His moments. The moments when the praise or hate of men beckoned Him to bow. But Scripture makes it plain, "Jesus didn't entrust Himself to them because He knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help seeing right through them." John 2:24-25

Though He never ceased to be fully man and fully God, and He never backed down, He never expected even those closest to understand and 'attaboy' Him at all times. 

He found Himself centered on His Father, undaunted by the hate, judgment, criticism, love, worship, praise of men. Free to live in God's will, unrestrained. 

I want to follow Him selflessly. Unworried about how I'll be perceived. So do you, if you're honest. So what's stopping you? The only person who can hold you back, bind you up, trap you...is you. 

Be free. Follow Him as you are. He will do the rest. Don't entrust yourself to man. Entrust yourself to the One who never fails. 

Easily Offending meets Easily Offended

When Webb and I married, September 2011, one of the first scriptural truths we set deeply into the core of our relationship was, "love is not easily offended." True love isn't offended when he forgets the trash, or she doesn't cook dinner for the third night this week. Love chooses to believe the best. Love says, "I can take that out, no problem," and, "She must have a lot on her mind. I'll order in for her." And! Love repeats those actions and beliefs e v e r y   s i n g l e   d a y.

We fail. We forgive. And we try again. Thank God for grace!

Offense is such an ugly thing. Offending is an ugly thing. And there is carelessness and selfishness demonstrated on both sides of an offense quite often. Look around you and watch as offense ruins relationships all the way from acquaintances to marriages. We see it in the media. Make a poor vocabulary choice, a misstep in sharing your thoughts, and stand in a stupor as the world sets your life up in flames. Ask Paula Deen.

The thing that reaches beyond annoyance or just making me shake my head at the ridiculousness and move on, and actually hurts my heart, is how often this happens in the body of Christ. The very Bride He set aside to demonstrate His love and show His compassion on earth, quibbles and stumbles over word choices or opinions and fails to hold out LOVE as the most important priority. This can stand preeminent as the reason we are losing credibility and favor in our world. Christ said they'd know us by our LOVE. Where's the love?

Webb and I wouldn't survive marriage if we chose to be offended or assume the worst of each other. How will our churches survive if we continue to let offending and offense dwell among us?

I read a great post from Mark Rutland this morning on the Paula Deen saga. He used the story to talk about this issue of offense:

"The next time you [say], "you offended me" remember that St. Paul says love is not easily offended. Probably the offensive speaker needs more love. Just as likely the easily offended and the frequently offended need to contemplate their own lack of love. Re-read I Cor. 13, especially verse 5. Check out what St. Paul has to say about taking offense." M. Rutland 

One version of 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Love takes no account of the evil done to it. It pays no attention to a suffered wrong."

Do I have love? Do I have what it takes to refuse the urge to force someone to "make it right"? Do I have what it takes to be like Jesus? Do I have what it takes? I have Him. He is more than enough. I can get over it. I can refuse to be offended. And I can care enough for others to never want to offend them, and to candidly and openly apologize if I do.

My youth pastor always admonished us when we shared a grievance, "You know what your second step is? What you need to do now? Step 1 is getting mad. Step 2 is getting over it." Then he'd condescend himself to our childlike level, speak slowly and clearly, and say, "Say it with me, 'Get overrr iiittttt'."It helped. As an adult, I speak it to myself frequently.

None of us is beyond having our hearts hurt. And often the offenses are real. They're deep. And they have the potential to be lasting. My job, is to employ Love to help me do whatever I've got to do to care for others, and when I'm hurt by others, to Get Over It.

precious promises

We're nearing the close of two weeks of evening church services. As a Pastor's wife, I have to remind myself pretty consistently that God has something for me in worship services. I think everyone does. Whether you're the powerpoint guy, the bulletin doer, the greeter, kid's church worker, coffee maker, bathroom checker, singer, or pastor, sometimes we get lost in the duty of "church" and forget we have the opportunity to be the church together in those moments and get lost in what we've got to get done. Stay in the moment. God is after YOU! Not just the people you're serving.

He had plans for me to hear from Him in last night's service.

On our way, my heart was in a desperate state. Questions were rolling and discouragement was settling in to its well-accustomed nook. I sat in the passenger's seat, very quiet. Asking Jesus, "Lord, when? When will  You do something about this? And that? I've done all I can. We're counting on you. And, now, we're at the edge of the cliff on this one. We're desperate."

The word that came through the minister reached into my soul and uprooted fear, disappointment, selfish pride, and laziness. It held those before me and begged the question, "What can I do, Amanda? What more can I do if you will not continue to believe...even in the dark? What more can I do with your little faith?"

It was a soul appointment. A confrontation I'd been avoiding for as long as possible.

I so badly want to do something consequential for Him. And I see what I do as so small compared to what could be done if these shackles were gone. The shackles I so badly need Him to remove.

I heard a promise from Him about the shackles. Years ago. I read some scriptures that confirmed it. I memorized them. And then I kept walking. And the dust and mess of life covered the Words. And I haven't made an effort to unearth them and pound them back into my spirit.

Have I done all I can? I did some things I could. But what have I been doing? Instead of waiting and watching, I can be persistent. I can be on the offensive. I can...

Believe Him. 

Rehearse His Words to me. 

And keep believing Him. 

Maybe you're there today. You've given up on that promise. You're thinking, "If He's going to do it, He'll have to do it." "I don't know what else to do." Or even, "Forget it. It's never going to happen. I'll just get used to the way things are because they're not changing."

They'll never be healed...
That job will never come...
We'll never get it paid off...
He'll never understand me...

Believe Him. 

Rehearse His Words to you. 

And keep believing Him. 

You won't regret it. He promises. 

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these, He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. (2 Peter 1:3-4)

Safe Place

Today, I just want to sit and daydream. Get lost in things that are beautiful, places I've never seen, music, coffee, and pretty pictures. Hope it all will flood through me and lift my soul. Walk through a city park. Laugh with a good friend. Linger in an enthralling worship service where I'm anonymous. Get a pedicure and read a magazine. Sit on my couch with hot tea and gaze out the window. Do something that makes me imagine, momentarily, that these pressures surrounding us are inconsequential. Maybe then I can return to them with better eyes.

That's the kind of day it is. You probably know it - when the marriage problem seems unsolvable, the kids have completely forgotten every word you've ever spoken to them, no matter your hard work it seems nothing pans out in your job, the house is an insurmountable wreck, that relationship needs mended and you have no clue how it's going to happen, and let's not even mention money...oh, money. Fight or flight kicks in. And, today, the 'fight' within you is gone. You barely have the energy left for a sufficient run.

The ironic thing is, that's exactly what we should do. Run. Run for all we're worth.

Run to your Safe Place, your Harbour. Let Him strengthen you for the pressures before you. Take the time to be strengthened. 

He's waiting for you. 

Taking out the Trash.

"If you act like a trash can, people will put trash in you." 

It was a decision day for me. I don't know if any of the other interns knew it, sitting around the table that morning. It was my first summer internship as a ministry student. The first day of my first summer internship.

The words seared through my fragmented character, right to my soul. I knew I must change. Adulthood was at my doorstep. And before a real job, a marriage, or children, were indelibly affected by my lack of discretion, I knew I wanted this issue under control. I wanted control of my tongue and of the conversations I allowed to happen in my life.

Gossip is really the idea that my thoughts and words are more important than anyone else's. That my perceptions must be shared (except with the appropriate person, of course) because they are the most accurate and will, no doubt, reveal my wisdom and incredible insight.

And while I was busy making myself look smart, really what I was doing was shredding my character and reputation while I singed the edges of someone else's with my burning words and carelessness.

"If you act like a trash can, people will put trash in you." 

I have a journal full of notes from that summer, but I probably heard nothing more important the rest of the three months. My heart opened to those words and the Holy Spirit rested on me, "I forgive you. Now, go and sin no more..."

My whole future changed. I felt the rudder on the ship of my life readjust. Hope entered my heart. I felt clean, without condemnation, for the first time in a long time. I began to think of all the people I should make amends to. All the hearts I had hurt through immaturity, sinfulness, and selfishness.

I'd spent far too much of my time thinking I'd arrived because, by all outside assessments, I'd kept the rules. All the while, destroying one of God's most precious creations (His church) from the inside-out with my strongest weapon. Running my mouth.

I needed grace.

I know I made Him angry. I wondered why so many things in my life were in upheaval. I was LIVING IN SIN. A deeply rooted, slivery, difficult-to-detect sin. A sin that would have followed me all my life and most certainly obliterated everything I tried to build:  relationships, reputation, opportunities.

I repented. I took every step to change. I fail...more than I wish I did. And probably far more than I know. God has grace. My heart is after Him. Voracious about not being that person.

Do you know it? Do you feel the moment happening when someone's decided you're a trash can? It feels like a freight train you have no idea how to stop. And, instead of "offending them" by shutting them up, you smile and take in all the garbage. Desensitize yourself to this moment enough, and you'll start adding in your own trash. And soon, you'll begin to enjoy the whole process of getting your hands and heart filthy. 


Wonder why you always just "happen to come by" information? Why so often people love to tell you the intimate details of other people's lives? You're available for it. Something about you says, "Tell me. I'd love to hear all about them..."

The checklist of holiness is meaningless if we haven't seized control of the one thing we own which affects life and death. 

I wish I could keep others from treading the path I've walked. From wearing a "form" of holiness but shredding the hearts of those around them with careless words and deep hatred. I want to rush over and shake them by the shoulders, "You're killing everyone. You're the reason people hate coming to church. The reason so many do not feel safe with us. You're killing yourself. You're in the same list as the people you're slandering! (Galatians 5)."

The murder of a reputation is much closer to the murder of a person than we may think...

Are my conversations bringing life or death? Do people find comfort in talking with me? Or a confidante in their sin? Who am I, and who am I teaching others to become?

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. The choice is ours.

the "b" word

I've had some influential people in my life mention the "b" word to me. Relax - it's probably not the word you're thinking. But it is very pesky, elusive, difficult, and demanding. So, perhaps it's synonymous....

B a l a n c e . 

And I get so tired of hearing it. A balanced life. Balance the checkbook. A balanced diet. Keep a thoughtful balance in your relationships. My personality is given to generally anything but balance. I think all artistic people (and yes, I consider my artistic; don't burst my bubble) make beauty and create enthralling things through their ability to interpret and express extremes. But that's fun and entertaining in art. Not...everyday life. 

As such an extremist, the new lifestyle my husband and I have embraced has been challenging for me. Trying to find my 'balanced diet'.

I don't allow myself to indulge in any of my former food 'loves'. I haven't had chicken fingers since April 10. Almost two months clean! (Though the occasional Diet Coke slips in here and there.) Probably not a big deal for you; you've likely been eating grown up food for a long time, now! But I was sustaining myself on fried foods and basically huge portions of things you'd find on a kids' menu.

I'm coming to believe that I can have a food abstinence list (foods I absolutely will not eat) and still be balanced in my eating habits. Some days, this becomes another area of junior high peer pressure! I hear, "Oh, come on. It's just one *whatever*. Loosen up." But for me, it's never just one. 

So, part of being balanced is saying no. all. the. time. to certain things.

Yesterday, I listened to a message from Lisa Chan called, "Deny Yourself". As we started our new eating plan, people told me over and over, "You have to let yourself have a little of this and that every once in a while or you'll fall off the wagon." And that's true in some ways. It's why I don't mind eating just one cookie every once in a while. Or scraping some of the icing off a piece of wedding cake to enjoy, instead of eating the whole wedge. 

But "denying myself" has become part of my life. Especially as it regards the things I want most, which are usually the things that hurt me most.

Our culture has learned to say "no" to almost anyone or anything except ourselves. I don't say "no" to me, because then I'll be angry at me, and I have to live with me all day every day. But, saying "no" has become a form of self-love for me. Every "no" I say now, resounds a "yes" for my preferred future and the future of our family. 

Jesus said, "If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow." He didn't say, "If you want to follow Me, make sure you make some allowances for what's outside my plan. That'll help you stick with me most of the time." 

Sometimes the best way to balance one area is to become an extremist in another. Want a balanced thought life? Get extreme about pushing out negativity. A balanced marriage? Be dogged and determined to always believe the best about your spouse. Balanced finances? Go crazy on debt and frivolous spending.

You see, it's a see-saw. You've got to put enough pressure on one side to bring the other up. 

The balancing act doesn't happen in the middle of your life. It happens in everything you do at the furthest edges. In all those places that seem to have nothing to do with anything.

...Where do you need to apply some pressure to find some balance? 

provision

Constant. Like the humming of a perpetual, ever-running engine, our lives seem to move so quickly.

-We've been married for twenty-one months.
-I have been a teacher for two school years.
-My husband has been working his current job for five years.
-Our newest venture, getting physically healthy, has been underway for two months. We are enjoying every minute of learning to change our habits, thinking and lifestyle. And that's real! Yes, the first two-three weeks were hell on earth; they were complete with mood swings, withdrawal symptoms, and discouragement. But, now that we've made it over the hump. Neither of us can see ourselves ever returning to our old way of life. I've lost 22 pounds currently. And Webb has lost around 40. Looking good, aren't we?

We're overwhelmed by God's goodness around every corner. Unexpected blessings and provision we could never have made for ourselves.

Speaking of provision - the picture below is of the back of Webb's truck. A few weeks ago, he was driving a couple students from our high school to a class party when the truck hydroplaned on the highway, spun into the median, and hit the guards, keeping it from going into oncoming traffic. Webb and both kids were fine. But our truck has seen better days. The most amazing part of the day? The Lord woke up Webb's sister, Kelli, and told her to pray protection over her family. She obeyed. And, instead of what might have been, we have a truck to repair. We are so thankful.

This morning as I read, the thought of "daily bread", came to mind again. What we need rarely arrives early. Nor does it show up late. But, right on time. The moment we need it.
And while I'm holding up several things to the Lord, asking, "What about...?", my heart is at a full rest. The engine still humming, life still whirring, demands and dreams still beckoning. And I am learning to truly be still. That's how he's providing...